Tuesday 7 October 2008

But you sent me away, Oh Mandy!

This week’s correspondence wasn’t quite as thrilling as last weeks but some interesting stuff all the same. It is always nice to get feedback from readers of my books and I have to say they are always so complimentary. That’s the marvellous thing about the type of books I compile. It might be considered a little churlish to criticise my style when my main criterion is to impart knowledge so almost all correspondents begin by telling me how much they love my work before gently adding the inevitable “however”.

My favourite one this week was from a Mr Leese from Grantham in Lincolnshire who enquired as to why the Caspian Sea was not so much as mentioned in my list of Seas of the World in the A to Z of almost Everything. I am always grateful when correspondents add their telephone number as it saves me the time and trouble of constructing a letter and suggests that they may actually prefer to discuss the matter. So I rang Mr Leese to inform him that despite the rather misleading name, the Caspian Sea was in actual fact a mere lake, albeit the largest in the world. The gentleman was a sheer delight to talk to. He explained that “they all” refer to Everything on a daily basis and he knew there would be a good reason. The thing is I feel Mr Leese had a valid point in some ways as I could have at least added an entry in “Seas” cross-referenced to “Lakes”. This will be remedied for the next edition.

Two other pieces of correspondence reflect the ups and downs of being an author quite graphically. The first letter advised me that the sales of my A to Z of Sport had slowed to the extent that, although remaining in print and fully available, the intention was to sell 3,796 copies at a mere 35p over cost (I availed myself of 30 such books).

The second correspondence from my publisher informed me that my A to Z of almost Everything had not only had the largest response ever for a single advertisement in the Reader’s Digest but had subsequently become their best-selling book ever. Wow! I think I can live with that.

Another correspondence was an email from the Prime Minister. You know, one of those personalised texts that I imagine all Labour supporters receive. It was a very nice email on the whole thanking me for all my efforts and outlining the reasons for his latest Cabinet reshuffle.

I don’t dislike Gordon Brown. He is personable and clearly doing the best he can in very trying circumstances. I had the good fortune to be invited to my local MP’s home earlier this year to meet Sarah Brown, and she too was very personable and eager to do all she could to further the cause. Between the two of them I thought they were probably best equipped of any couple to replace the very able Tony and Cherie, although I do not believe that in a democracy anyone should be able to hold a post they have not been elected to. A further belief of mine is that the best Prime Ministers have a supportive partner and that’s probably why I struggled with Ted Heath so much; I just wasn’t happy that a bachelor could make good decisions on issues that affect families.

I still feel Gordon and Sarah are well-equipped to steer this country out of the present gloom and possibly even ward off the threat of recession. I say threat because the technical definition of recession is when a nation's economy shrinks for a second successive quarter as has already occurred in my mother country, Ireland. Of course in actuality we have been in recession for some months. However (you see I learnt the best use of this phrase from my correspondents), I felt I had to reply to the PM’s email in a very negative way as I simply could not understand why he would bring Peter Mandelson back into the Cabinet given his very controversial previous attempts to toe the party line.

Mr Mandelson is a very charismatic chap and undoubtedly has a good intellect, although he tends to use it to scheme and manipulate rather than for more positive machinations. He has impeccable political breeding , being the grandson of Herbert Morrison, but even with all those firm Labour roots he managed to defect to the communist party in a fit of pique in his youth. Mr Mandelson's first Cabinet post was as Trade Secretary but he resigned in 1998 after it was revealed that he had borrowed money to buy a house from Geoffrey Robinson, a minister whose affairs were under investigation by Mr Mandelson’s department! Tony Blair then brought Mr Mandelson back into the Cabinet in 1999 as Northern Ireland Secretary, but dismissed him in 2001 over allegations – later disproved I must add– that he intervened in the passport application of an Indian businessman. The thing here is that even if he were to have somehow turned around his life and there was never another controversy it is still bound to end in tears, mark my words. It is quite apparent that the ravenous wolves will be out to get the errant Mr Mandelson as he no longer has the support of the media cognoscenti I alluded to in a previous blog.

Sunday 5 October 2008

In the Family Way

I’ve had a few dramatic weeks in my life; some happy some sad. This week was undoubtedly the most exciting and joyous I can ever remember.

What great event sparked off this emotional roller-coaster.

Well, on Wednesday I got paid. That’s always good I suppose, but as I only get paid twice a year, and I never know what that payment is likely to be, perhaps that heightens the sense of excitement. But nah, it wasn’t that.

On the same day a dear friend of mine moved into her new home after an horrific experience with landlords, estate agents, property developers and solicitors. I felt a great sense of relief for her but I’m afraid, glad as I was for her, it wasn’t that either.

They say good news comes in threes and anyone who has ever had a family dispute (is there anyone out there who hasn’t) will understand that the best news I received on Wednesday, and indeed for many a long day was via an email: “Found your website and I'm very proud of you. Please contact me. Your brother, Kevin”

Wow! Now Kevin is the second oldest and i haven't seen him for about 15 years. He is the coolest guy on earth. We went to the same school. While I was languishing in the chorus he was lead guitarist in the school orchestra. While I managed to represent the school at cricket, he represented Croydon. And yes, Kevin was even academically more successful than me. If I was Sherlock Holmes (I wish) he was undoubtedly Mycroft.
Kev was the first in our family to have his own business (Heat exchangers or something. I never did quite understand) and along with it the sports car and bungalow. He has been living in Ibiza for the past 18 years where he teaches English and Spanish and also runs a mobile karaoke. I know he shares my interest in cycling and quizzing too so I expect he’s bordering on Vuelta a EspaƱa level and dying to get on Quiere ser millonario?

So you see Kevin was always someone I looked up to and admired. Not unlike my relationship with his namesake Kevin, the Lord Ashman, I suppose, although Lord Ashman does not have the same street credibility as my brother!

Bearing the testimony above in mind I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a slight hint of satisfaction in the words “I’m very proud of you”. But nah, that wasn’t the part of the email that touched my heart and made me feel so much joy. It was the “Please contact me”. That’s what did it.

Kev and I have never really fallen out majorly, although we have obviously had our disagreements. Almost all the problems that occur within our family result from sensitivity issues. Every one of us is extremely sensitive to the other’s perceived manner. I think it is just one of the by-products of a very traumatic upbringing where we were forced to depend on each other for succour and perhaps sometimes our own personal quest for a coping mechanism seemed to be at odds with family unity. All I know is I have the greatest admiration for all five of my siblings as I know much of what they suffered and yet all things being equal they have all managed to remain as my mother would have wanted; children of God, yes with all the human foibles born from original sin, but compassionate, determined, conscience-led and above all funny. Humour must never be underestimated here. It was our mutual love of The Goons, Monty Python, Tommy Cooper, Eric and Ernie etc that bound us quite often and saw us through the bad times.

Anyway, Kev’s email started the ball rolling and my first instinct was to contact my dear sister June to give her his email address. You see June and Kev had always had a brilliant relationship and great rapport. June’s husband John is a rock drummer and he and Kev played in the same band for some time and they shared musical tastes and, again harping back to the humour thing, June and Kev bounced off one another with witty one-liners and general levity. June and Kev fell out for the first and only time a few years ago, yes over one of those aforementioned sensitivity issues, but not to make light of a real tragedy I can tell you there was some insurmountable other stuff going on and I myself had a part to play in creating family strife.

I turned up at my sister’s doorstep with not a little trepidation. You see the truth is June and I have hardly seen each other since our mum’s funeral 16 years ago. Yes another sensitivity issue but one in which I feel I could have and should have handled with more love and understanding. I interfered where I was not wanted and was blind to the repercussions of my actions.
Anyhow, I prayed for guidance that I would say all the things I had in my heart with the real humility I felt but also I knew I must be aware that under the circumstances I would not be welcomed. My sister answered her door and I took one look at her face and immediately turned into a blubbering wreck. June being June was just as immediately overcome with compassion and gave me a nice warm hug and in that moment I felt a miracle had happened. You see it was I that should be hugging June with compassion. Without wanting to discuss my dear sister’s business in an open forum as she is a very private person, I shall just say that she has had great tragedy in her early life and has handled it with great fortitude so that only the discerning eye would see any hint of the cracked doll that she could have become.

It didn’t surprise me to know that June had been trying to contact Kev and in the past 24 hours they have indeed corresponded. You see, the love and respect was always there, in fact it is exactly this great love and respect, that was born out of fighting a war together that inevitably caused the rift in the first place.

The only other member of the family apart from my dad (I sent him Kev’s details via email) who I knew the whereabouts of was my immediate older brother Gary. Unfortunately as things go Gal and I had a very acrimonious last meeting while on holiday in June and had not spoken since (yes of course it was a sensitivity issue) so this one was a step too far at this point in time but I popped Kev’s email address in the letter box and although Gal is not on email at least he has a contact point for emergencies.

Later that day after visiting Gary I had a Bible study and the theme was Genesis 37 to 45, the story of Joseph. I felt this was eerily apt and heart-warming as I was feeling quite low. You see Joseph’s family faced great turmoil, their sensitivities were heightened by thoughts of favouritism and it almost cost Joseph his life at the hands of his brothers, but ultimately the story is one of triumph over disaster and family unity being restored.

Any of you out there who have similar stories please don’t despair. There is always hope.

It is not always going to be the case that family will automatically be best friends as those decisions are made by a more intricate mechanism than mere family ties, but please try and leave that door ever so slightly ajar so that hope may enter.

I’m still sad that I do not know the whereabouts and wellbeing of my oldest and youngest, Mike and Shaun but I now have hope that I one day might.

I also have hope now for a brighter future and just because my brother Kevin bothered to send an email. You see in God’s eyes these things are important.

Incidentally as a proof of my brother's brilliance. I happened to be reading my October issue of the Mensa Mag on Thursday night and one of the letters headed "lighten Up" quoted: A pure word has its letters in alphabetical order and may be ascending or descending. The longest pure words i have found are five letters i.e. first, gipsy etc. I wonder if any fellow members can do better.

Now Kev did not know of this but sent me an email yesterday asking me if i knew what the words almost, biopsy and chintz had in common. Howsabout that then - what a man.

I feel i should either resign, Kev should be admitted or we should change our name to Densa.