This week’s correspondence wasn’t quite as thrilling as last weeks but some interesting stuff all the same. It is always nice to get feedback from readers of my books and I have to say they are always so complimentary. That’s the marvellous thing about the type of books I compile. It might be considered a little churlish to criticise my style when my main criterion is to impart knowledge so almost all correspondents begin by telling me how much they love my work before gently adding the inevitable “however”.
My favourite one this week was from a Mr Leese from Grantham in Lincolnshire who enquired as to why the Caspian Sea was not so much as mentioned in my list of Seas of the World in the A to Z of almost Everything. I am always grateful when correspondents add their telephone number as it saves me the time and trouble of constructing a letter and suggests that they may actually prefer to discuss the matter. So I rang Mr Leese to inform him that despite the rather misleading name, the Caspian Sea was in actual fact a mere lake, albeit the largest in the world. The gentleman was a sheer delight to talk to. He explained that “they all” refer to Everything on a daily basis and he knew there would be a good reason. The thing is I feel Mr Leese had a valid point in some ways as I could have at least added an entry in “Seas” cross-referenced to “Lakes”. This will be remedied for the next edition.
Two other pieces of correspondence reflect the ups and downs of being an author quite graphically. The first letter advised me that the sales of my A to Z of Sport had slowed to the extent that, although remaining in print and fully available, the intention was to sell 3,796 copies at a mere 35p over cost (I availed myself of 30 such books).
The second correspondence from my publisher informed me that my A to Z of almost Everything had not only had the largest response ever for a single advertisement in the Reader’s Digest but had subsequently become their best-selling book ever. Wow! I think I can live with that.
Another correspondence was an email from the Prime Minister. You know, one of those personalised texts that I imagine all Labour supporters receive. It was a very nice email on the whole thanking me for all my efforts and outlining the reasons for his latest Cabinet reshuffle.
I don’t dislike Gordon Brown. He is personable and clearly doing the best he can in very trying circumstances. I had the good fortune to be invited to my local MP’s home earlier this year to meet Sarah Brown, and she too was very personable and eager to do all she could to further the cause. Between the two of them I thought they were probably best equipped of any couple to replace the very able Tony and Cherie, although I do not believe that in a democracy anyone should be able to hold a post they have not been elected to. A further belief of mine is that the best Prime Ministers have a supportive partner and that’s probably why I struggled with Ted Heath so much; I just wasn’t happy that a bachelor could make good decisions on issues that affect families.
I still feel Gordon and Sarah are well-equipped to steer this country out of the present gloom and possibly even ward off the threat of recession. I say threat because the technical definition of recession is when a nation's economy shrinks for a second successive quarter as has already occurred in my mother country, Ireland. Of course in actuality we have been in recession for some months. However (you see I learnt the best use of this phrase from my correspondents), I felt I had to reply to the PM’s email in a very negative way as I simply could not understand why he would bring Peter Mandelson back into the Cabinet given his very controversial previous attempts to toe the party line.
Mr Mandelson is a very charismatic chap and undoubtedly has a good intellect, although he tends to use it to scheme and manipulate rather than for more positive machinations. He has impeccable political breeding , being the grandson of Herbert Morrison, but even with all those firm Labour roots he managed to defect to the communist party in a fit of pique in his youth. Mr Mandelson's first Cabinet post was as Trade Secretary but he resigned in 1998 after it was revealed that he had borrowed money to buy a house from Geoffrey Robinson, a minister whose affairs were under investigation by Mr Mandelson’s department! Tony Blair then brought Mr Mandelson back into the Cabinet in 1999 as Northern Ireland Secretary, but dismissed him in 2001 over allegations – later disproved I must add– that he intervened in the passport application of an Indian businessman. The thing here is that even if he were to have somehow turned around his life and there was never another controversy it is still bound to end in tears, mark my words. It is quite apparent that the ravenous wolves will be out to get the errant Mr Mandelson as he no longer has the support of the media cognoscenti I alluded to in a previous blog.
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
Sunday, 5 October 2008
In the Family Way
I’ve had a few dramatic weeks in my life; some happy some sad. This week was undoubtedly the most exciting and joyous I can ever remember.
What great event sparked off this emotional roller-coaster.
Well, on Wednesday I got paid. That’s always good I suppose, but as I only get paid twice a year, and I never know what that payment is likely to be, perhaps that heightens the sense of excitement. But nah, it wasn’t that.
On the same day a dear friend of mine moved into her new home after an horrific experience with landlords, estate agents, property developers and solicitors. I felt a great sense of relief for her but I’m afraid, glad as I was for her, it wasn’t that either.
They say good news comes in threes and anyone who has ever had a family dispute (is there anyone out there who hasn’t) will understand that the best news I received on Wednesday, and indeed for many a long day was via an email: “Found your website and I'm very proud of you. Please contact me. Your brother, Kevin”
Wow! Now Kevin is the second oldest and i haven't seen him for about 15 years. He is the coolest guy on earth. We went to the same school. While I was languishing in the chorus he was lead guitarist in the school orchestra. While I managed to represent the school at cricket, he represented Croydon. And yes, Kevin was even academically more successful than me. If I was Sherlock Holmes (I wish) he was undoubtedly Mycroft.
Kev was the first in our family to have his own business (Heat exchangers or something. I never did quite understand) and along with it the sports car and bungalow. He has been living in Ibiza for the past 18 years where he teaches English and Spanish and also runs a mobile karaoke. I know he shares my interest in cycling and quizzing too so I expect he’s bordering on Vuelta a España level and dying to get on Quiere ser millonario?
So you see Kevin was always someone I looked up to and admired. Not unlike my relationship with his namesake Kevin, the Lord Ashman, I suppose, although Lord Ashman does not have the same street credibility as my brother!
Bearing the testimony above in mind I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a slight hint of satisfaction in the words “I’m very proud of you”. But nah, that wasn’t the part of the email that touched my heart and made me feel so much joy. It was the “Please contact me”. That’s what did it.
Kev and I have never really fallen out majorly, although we have obviously had our disagreements. Almost all the problems that occur within our family result from sensitivity issues. Every one of us is extremely sensitive to the other’s perceived manner. I think it is just one of the by-products of a very traumatic upbringing where we were forced to depend on each other for succour and perhaps sometimes our own personal quest for a coping mechanism seemed to be at odds with family unity. All I know is I have the greatest admiration for all five of my siblings as I know much of what they suffered and yet all things being equal they have all managed to remain as my mother would have wanted; children of God, yes with all the human foibles born from original sin, but compassionate, determined, conscience-led and above all funny. Humour must never be underestimated here. It was our mutual love of The Goons, Monty Python, Tommy Cooper, Eric and Ernie etc that bound us quite often and saw us through the bad times.
Anyway, Kev’s email started the ball rolling and my first instinct was to contact my dear sister June to give her his email address. You see June and Kev had always had a brilliant relationship and great rapport. June’s husband John is a rock drummer and he and Kev played in the same band for some time and they shared musical tastes and, again harping back to the humour thing, June and Kev bounced off one another with witty one-liners and general levity. June and Kev fell out for the first and only time a few years ago, yes over one of those aforementioned sensitivity issues, but not to make light of a real tragedy I can tell you there was some insurmountable other stuff going on and I myself had a part to play in creating family strife.
I turned up at my sister’s doorstep with not a little trepidation. You see the truth is June and I have hardly seen each other since our mum’s funeral 16 years ago. Yes another sensitivity issue but one in which I feel I could have and should have handled with more love and understanding. I interfered where I was not wanted and was blind to the repercussions of my actions.
Anyhow, I prayed for guidance that I would say all the things I had in my heart with the real humility I felt but also I knew I must be aware that under the circumstances I would not be welcomed. My sister answered her door and I took one look at her face and immediately turned into a blubbering wreck. June being June was just as immediately overcome with compassion and gave me a nice warm hug and in that moment I felt a miracle had happened. You see it was I that should be hugging June with compassion. Without wanting to discuss my dear sister’s business in an open forum as she is a very private person, I shall just say that she has had great tragedy in her early life and has handled it with great fortitude so that only the discerning eye would see any hint of the cracked doll that she could have become.
It didn’t surprise me to know that June had been trying to contact Kev and in the past 24 hours they have indeed corresponded. You see, the love and respect was always there, in fact it is exactly this great love and respect, that was born out of fighting a war together that inevitably caused the rift in the first place.
The only other member of the family apart from my dad (I sent him Kev’s details via email) who I knew the whereabouts of was my immediate older brother Gary. Unfortunately as things go Gal and I had a very acrimonious last meeting while on holiday in June and had not spoken since (yes of course it was a sensitivity issue) so this one was a step too far at this point in time but I popped Kev’s email address in the letter box and although Gal is not on email at least he has a contact point for emergencies.
Later that day after visiting Gary I had a Bible study and the theme was Genesis 37 to 45, the story of Joseph. I felt this was eerily apt and heart-warming as I was feeling quite low. You see Joseph’s family faced great turmoil, their sensitivities were heightened by thoughts of favouritism and it almost cost Joseph his life at the hands of his brothers, but ultimately the story is one of triumph over disaster and family unity being restored.
Any of you out there who have similar stories please don’t despair. There is always hope.
It is not always going to be the case that family will automatically be best friends as those decisions are made by a more intricate mechanism than mere family ties, but please try and leave that door ever so slightly ajar so that hope may enter.
I’m still sad that I do not know the whereabouts and wellbeing of my oldest and youngest, Mike and Shaun but I now have hope that I one day might.
I also have hope now for a brighter future and just because my brother Kevin bothered to send an email. You see in God’s eyes these things are important.
Incidentally as a proof of my brother's brilliance. I happened to be reading my October issue of the Mensa Mag on Thursday night and one of the letters headed "lighten Up" quoted: A pure word has its letters in alphabetical order and may be ascending or descending. The longest pure words i have found are five letters i.e. first, gipsy etc. I wonder if any fellow members can do better.
Now Kev did not know of this but sent me an email yesterday asking me if i knew what the words almost, biopsy and chintz had in common. Howsabout that then - what a man.
I feel i should either resign, Kev should be admitted or we should change our name to Densa.
What great event sparked off this emotional roller-coaster.
Well, on Wednesday I got paid. That’s always good I suppose, but as I only get paid twice a year, and I never know what that payment is likely to be, perhaps that heightens the sense of excitement. But nah, it wasn’t that.
On the same day a dear friend of mine moved into her new home after an horrific experience with landlords, estate agents, property developers and solicitors. I felt a great sense of relief for her but I’m afraid, glad as I was for her, it wasn’t that either.
They say good news comes in threes and anyone who has ever had a family dispute (is there anyone out there who hasn’t) will understand that the best news I received on Wednesday, and indeed for many a long day was via an email: “Found your website and I'm very proud of you. Please contact me. Your brother, Kevin”
Wow! Now Kevin is the second oldest and i haven't seen him for about 15 years. He is the coolest guy on earth. We went to the same school. While I was languishing in the chorus he was lead guitarist in the school orchestra. While I managed to represent the school at cricket, he represented Croydon. And yes, Kevin was even academically more successful than me. If I was Sherlock Holmes (I wish) he was undoubtedly Mycroft.
Kev was the first in our family to have his own business (Heat exchangers or something. I never did quite understand) and along with it the sports car and bungalow. He has been living in Ibiza for the past 18 years where he teaches English and Spanish and also runs a mobile karaoke. I know he shares my interest in cycling and quizzing too so I expect he’s bordering on Vuelta a España level and dying to get on Quiere ser millonario?
So you see Kevin was always someone I looked up to and admired. Not unlike my relationship with his namesake Kevin, the Lord Ashman, I suppose, although Lord Ashman does not have the same street credibility as my brother!
Bearing the testimony above in mind I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a slight hint of satisfaction in the words “I’m very proud of you”. But nah, that wasn’t the part of the email that touched my heart and made me feel so much joy. It was the “Please contact me”. That’s what did it.
Kev and I have never really fallen out majorly, although we have obviously had our disagreements. Almost all the problems that occur within our family result from sensitivity issues. Every one of us is extremely sensitive to the other’s perceived manner. I think it is just one of the by-products of a very traumatic upbringing where we were forced to depend on each other for succour and perhaps sometimes our own personal quest for a coping mechanism seemed to be at odds with family unity. All I know is I have the greatest admiration for all five of my siblings as I know much of what they suffered and yet all things being equal they have all managed to remain as my mother would have wanted; children of God, yes with all the human foibles born from original sin, but compassionate, determined, conscience-led and above all funny. Humour must never be underestimated here. It was our mutual love of The Goons, Monty Python, Tommy Cooper, Eric and Ernie etc that bound us quite often and saw us through the bad times.
Anyway, Kev’s email started the ball rolling and my first instinct was to contact my dear sister June to give her his email address. You see June and Kev had always had a brilliant relationship and great rapport. June’s husband John is a rock drummer and he and Kev played in the same band for some time and they shared musical tastes and, again harping back to the humour thing, June and Kev bounced off one another with witty one-liners and general levity. June and Kev fell out for the first and only time a few years ago, yes over one of those aforementioned sensitivity issues, but not to make light of a real tragedy I can tell you there was some insurmountable other stuff going on and I myself had a part to play in creating family strife.
I turned up at my sister’s doorstep with not a little trepidation. You see the truth is June and I have hardly seen each other since our mum’s funeral 16 years ago. Yes another sensitivity issue but one in which I feel I could have and should have handled with more love and understanding. I interfered where I was not wanted and was blind to the repercussions of my actions.
Anyhow, I prayed for guidance that I would say all the things I had in my heart with the real humility I felt but also I knew I must be aware that under the circumstances I would not be welcomed. My sister answered her door and I took one look at her face and immediately turned into a blubbering wreck. June being June was just as immediately overcome with compassion and gave me a nice warm hug and in that moment I felt a miracle had happened. You see it was I that should be hugging June with compassion. Without wanting to discuss my dear sister’s business in an open forum as she is a very private person, I shall just say that she has had great tragedy in her early life and has handled it with great fortitude so that only the discerning eye would see any hint of the cracked doll that she could have become.
It didn’t surprise me to know that June had been trying to contact Kev and in the past 24 hours they have indeed corresponded. You see, the love and respect was always there, in fact it is exactly this great love and respect, that was born out of fighting a war together that inevitably caused the rift in the first place.
The only other member of the family apart from my dad (I sent him Kev’s details via email) who I knew the whereabouts of was my immediate older brother Gary. Unfortunately as things go Gal and I had a very acrimonious last meeting while on holiday in June and had not spoken since (yes of course it was a sensitivity issue) so this one was a step too far at this point in time but I popped Kev’s email address in the letter box and although Gal is not on email at least he has a contact point for emergencies.
Later that day after visiting Gary I had a Bible study and the theme was Genesis 37 to 45, the story of Joseph. I felt this was eerily apt and heart-warming as I was feeling quite low. You see Joseph’s family faced great turmoil, their sensitivities were heightened by thoughts of favouritism and it almost cost Joseph his life at the hands of his brothers, but ultimately the story is one of triumph over disaster and family unity being restored.
Any of you out there who have similar stories please don’t despair. There is always hope.
It is not always going to be the case that family will automatically be best friends as those decisions are made by a more intricate mechanism than mere family ties, but please try and leave that door ever so slightly ajar so that hope may enter.
I’m still sad that I do not know the whereabouts and wellbeing of my oldest and youngest, Mike and Shaun but I now have hope that I one day might.
I also have hope now for a brighter future and just because my brother Kevin bothered to send an email. You see in God’s eyes these things are important.
Incidentally as a proof of my brother's brilliance. I happened to be reading my October issue of the Mensa Mag on Thursday night and one of the letters headed "lighten Up" quoted: A pure word has its letters in alphabetical order and may be ascending or descending. The longest pure words i have found are five letters i.e. first, gipsy etc. I wonder if any fellow members can do better.
Now Kev did not know of this but sent me an email yesterday asking me if i knew what the words almost, biopsy and chintz had in common. Howsabout that then - what a man.
I feel i should either resign, Kev should be admitted or we should change our name to Densa.
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Olympic boycott - seemed like a good idea at the time!
As a sports fan the hardest thing I’m ever likely to do is to boycott the viewing of the Beijing Olympics.
Some time ago I pledged to do just that, by way of protest at the nation’s disgraceful human rights record.
Four days from the opening ceremony and I am decidedly twitchy.
Will I be like one of those Jehovah’s Witnesses who profess to never watch television but always seem to know what is going on in the media?
I suppose I could read the reports in the newspapers (I wonder if watching the highlights programmes is out of the question!).
Joking apart, this really is a very difficult situation for me. I’m a writer after all and am expected to be well-versed in sporting knowledge, not least because I intend to update my A to Z of Sport for future publication. Is it possible for me to gain an overview without first-hand knowledge of what actually went on? Will my account of the Games be jeopardised by ignorance?
To say I was looking forward to seeing if our cyclists, rowers and sailors can dominate the world, is something of an understatement. Before my conscience was pricked into submission I was positively salivating at the thought of Paula Radcliffe at last being hailed as the queen of the marathon. Mind you I have to say I rather feel the excuses are coming in thick and fast before the race and stress fractures, spiders, smog and goodness knows what else will surely prevent the greatest distance runner of all time from ending her career on a high. Please don’t expect a fairytale-ending to this one. In a way I’m glad I will not be watching the women’s marathon.
Anyway, I shall be trying my best not to succumb. A friend of mine will be in Hungary doing God’s work and how I wish I were there too. It would be so much easier than having temptation at my fingertips.
Do I think my silent protest will change anything? Nooooooooooo but I do know that this will be good practice for me for any difficult decisions I may have to make in the future, and who knows what will happen in China. There is an ever-growing underground Christian community with considerable influence and the same leader as we have in the west. Anything is possible!
On reflection perhaps it will not be too difficult for me. Perhaps I’ll re-read The Good Earth, a reminder of the humility and manners of a large proportion of the Chinese people.
Some time ago I pledged to do just that, by way of protest at the nation’s disgraceful human rights record.
Four days from the opening ceremony and I am decidedly twitchy.
Will I be like one of those Jehovah’s Witnesses who profess to never watch television but always seem to know what is going on in the media?
I suppose I could read the reports in the newspapers (I wonder if watching the highlights programmes is out of the question!).
Joking apart, this really is a very difficult situation for me. I’m a writer after all and am expected to be well-versed in sporting knowledge, not least because I intend to update my A to Z of Sport for future publication. Is it possible for me to gain an overview without first-hand knowledge of what actually went on? Will my account of the Games be jeopardised by ignorance?
To say I was looking forward to seeing if our cyclists, rowers and sailors can dominate the world, is something of an understatement. Before my conscience was pricked into submission I was positively salivating at the thought of Paula Radcliffe at last being hailed as the queen of the marathon. Mind you I have to say I rather feel the excuses are coming in thick and fast before the race and stress fractures, spiders, smog and goodness knows what else will surely prevent the greatest distance runner of all time from ending her career on a high. Please don’t expect a fairytale-ending to this one. In a way I’m glad I will not be watching the women’s marathon.
Anyway, I shall be trying my best not to succumb. A friend of mine will be in Hungary doing God’s work and how I wish I were there too. It would be so much easier than having temptation at my fingertips.
Do I think my silent protest will change anything? Nooooooooooo but I do know that this will be good practice for me for any difficult decisions I may have to make in the future, and who knows what will happen in China. There is an ever-growing underground Christian community with considerable influence and the same leader as we have in the west. Anything is possible!
On reflection perhaps it will not be too difficult for me. Perhaps I’ll re-read The Good Earth, a reminder of the humility and manners of a large proportion of the Chinese people.
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
If I Could Have But Just One Wish
After church today i found myself in reflective mood. I put on my rose-tinted specs and my mind turned to family - present and past. In the present i am very happy. My brother Gary and i are off to Weymouth for a week to visit our dad and it'll be great. However, i have other brothers too - Mike, Kev and Shaun - and a sister, June. We have all lost touch for various reasons and i haven't a clue how to contact them, or even where three of them are living. I can't help feeling less than whole for this sorry state of affairs and yet i know it is a common theme nowadays.
I love them all very much and yet i wonder how much love i showed to let things get this way.
I often think if i could have one wish i would put the clock back, learn from my mistakes and maintain the status quo within the family. And then i think again. Perhaps if i had two wishes this might be the second of them but surely i have a duty to see the bigger picture?
I do not like the way the world is going. Sodom and Gomorrah are our neighbours and the pale rider is running amok across our towns and cities. Richard Dawkins thinks we Christians are deluded for our belief in God, and indeed would it be any wonder that we were deluded given that a faith in these uncertain times might seem very attractive. Worst-case scenario - harmless delusion - best-case scenario - salvation!
I read in the Telegraph this morning that life-long atheist Terry Pratchett is now certain there is a creator - a God. Of course the cynical will believe that Terry's mind has gone into delusional mode due to his early symptoms of Alzheimer's disease and yet i have often found that the staunchest of atheists (and believe me Terry was staunch) are far closer to God than one might imagine. I am mindful of a phrase i heard a couple of years ago from Peter Nodding, a pastor at the Purley Baptist Church. "I remember the day very well when i decided i wanted to be good". You see quite often that is all it takes to spark off a wondrous journey - and after all, isn't this what we would all want regardless of race, colour or creed. I see Christianity as a way of keeping on the right road because without a structure human beings find it impossible to be even remotely good.
I have just penned a simple poem to reflect what i would wish for - it is a huge wish but i know it is already granted to some
If I could have but just one wish
I’d try to make it un-sel-fish
Though humans have propensity
To lie and cheat, I’d guarantee
To close my eyes and clear my mind
And wish for God to save mankind
There are other things I’d want for me
The closeness of a family
To right the wrongs of youth misspent
At least my sins I can repent
If I had never lost my temper
The pain I felt would I remember
To hear my mother’s loving voice
To always make the righteous choice
Perhaps to be a little braver
And not to let my values waver
My trials and tribulations spent
The Holy Spirit Heaven sent
If I could have but just one wish
I’d try to make it un-sel-fish
I love them all very much and yet i wonder how much love i showed to let things get this way.
I often think if i could have one wish i would put the clock back, learn from my mistakes and maintain the status quo within the family. And then i think again. Perhaps if i had two wishes this might be the second of them but surely i have a duty to see the bigger picture?
I do not like the way the world is going. Sodom and Gomorrah are our neighbours and the pale rider is running amok across our towns and cities. Richard Dawkins thinks we Christians are deluded for our belief in God, and indeed would it be any wonder that we were deluded given that a faith in these uncertain times might seem very attractive. Worst-case scenario - harmless delusion - best-case scenario - salvation!
I read in the Telegraph this morning that life-long atheist Terry Pratchett is now certain there is a creator - a God. Of course the cynical will believe that Terry's mind has gone into delusional mode due to his early symptoms of Alzheimer's disease and yet i have often found that the staunchest of atheists (and believe me Terry was staunch) are far closer to God than one might imagine. I am mindful of a phrase i heard a couple of years ago from Peter Nodding, a pastor at the Purley Baptist Church. "I remember the day very well when i decided i wanted to be good". You see quite often that is all it takes to spark off a wondrous journey - and after all, isn't this what we would all want regardless of race, colour or creed. I see Christianity as a way of keeping on the right road because without a structure human beings find it impossible to be even remotely good.
I have just penned a simple poem to reflect what i would wish for - it is a huge wish but i know it is already granted to some
If I could have but just one wish
I’d try to make it un-sel-fish
Though humans have propensity
To lie and cheat, I’d guarantee
To close my eyes and clear my mind
And wish for God to save mankind
There are other things I’d want for me
The closeness of a family
To right the wrongs of youth misspent
At least my sins I can repent
If I had never lost my temper
The pain I felt would I remember
To hear my mother’s loving voice
To always make the righteous choice
Perhaps to be a little braver
And not to let my values waver
My trials and tribulations spent
The Holy Spirit Heaven sent
If I could have but just one wish
I’d try to make it un-sel-fish
Monday, 9 June 2008
Is Eggheads a poisoned chalice?
I was asked to audition to become a sixth member of BBC’s Egghead team recently but reluctantly turned down the offer on two counts. The deciding factor was when the researcher informed me that filming was to take place in mid-June when I had arranged to go and visit my father in Weymouth; however after a lot of thought and advice my mind was already made up that this show was not for me.
Although I am great friends with several of the team, which was a great incentive, the downside is the modus operandi of the production team which lends itself to a rather negative perception of your average egghead as being smug and arrogant. When the self-effacing Lord Ashman (dubbed so by our mutual friend Gavin Fuller – who incidentally also turned down the poisoned chalice) is sometimes portrayed as a know-it-all, or at least stands accused by a tiny minority of being so, then I know it is not the gig for me.
Of course Kevin is a know-it-all in the true sense of the phrase but he certainly isn’t overtly so.
In my quiz-playing days I approached the ‘sport’ as I would an exam and would cram in enormous amounts of information before a competition and forget much of it soon after. When I say to people I have a very good memory it seems as though I am stating the obvious as surely that is a prerequisite of good quizzing. Well yes of course it is but the difference is that I used my memory as a tool for winning quizzes not to impress friend or foe or even because I have much of an interest in many of the subjects I researched.
To give you an example of the kind of thing I used to do, the first quiz book I ever read was a Gyles Brandreth multiple-choice delicacy. Now I could answer every single question in the book from cover to cover and some of them were jolly tough such as “What is the weight of the earth?” however the problem was if I was asked the questions out of order then I was hopeless. You see up until that time my party piece was to recite 50 digit numbers backwards on first hearing or memorise packs of cards within two minutes and my pegs were the traditional story-type mnemonics as used by the likes of memory man extraordinaire Dominic O’Brien.
Of course I had a healthy interest in certain subjects such as Tudor history, most sports except football and rugby, the Bible, Shakespeare, some classical music, some pop music, some literature; but the subjects I actually enjoyed reading were never committed to memory intently, this would have seemed almost blasphemous and certainly would have detracted from my enjoyment. No I was a quiz pro and studied lists of what were required to increase my chances of winning. The great Donald Yule (35 years quizzing laddie!) once said “I don’t read books, I read books about books” and if the truth be known that was always my approach to quizzing. I would never be caught on a world capital, ology, symphony nickname, American president, British prime minister, world flag, autobiography, pseudonym, British sovereign, planetary information, periodic table, Oscar winner, Nobel prize winner, Chinese new year, Greek or Roman god, Eurovision winner, Miss World winner, longest, tallest, highest, Greek alphabet, radio call sign, Grand National winner of the past 50 years, FA Cup winner of the past 50 years, Olympic champions.
The thing all these groups have in common is that they are finite lists at a point in time and very easily committed to memory, take no research as such and can easily be brushed up on every few months to ensure maximum confidence. Other subjects such as film, contemporary literature, television and current affairs are more difficult to feel totally confident about as they are ever-expanding or changing and it is no coincidence that these would be weaker areas of mine. Weaker areas still are pop music and food and drink which are absolutely huge topics to try and research and I simply couldn’t be bothered except in a most superficial way.
So what kind of quiz animal does this breed?
Well in two rounds of Mastermind I went through clean answering specialised questions on Elizabeth I and Mary, Queen of Scots. This is simply because I committed to memory all the information contained in my reading list I put forward to the show. I was totally confident in my ability and it showed in my performance.
Now my worst performance was probably Brain of Britain when I scored nil point after two rounds and ended up with a paltry seven points. I had done an enormous amount of research for the show and was probably on par with the database of Lord Ashman (in the stock subjects mentioned above) who took part in the recording after mine and scored a record score of about 38!
So what went wrong?
Simple (notwithstanding the fact that he has the best recall I have ever seen), the fact is Kev sees the ever-expanding subjects such as film as finite lists almost and so his all round database is that much larger than the opposition. What I am trying to say in a considered manner is that although it can appear in some formats that there is little between the top quiz players in actuality there may be quite a gulf.
Kev and I have visited many a stately home together and we will both avidly purchase the guides and devour everything we can. Six months on I will have forgotten all except the aesthetic beauty of the surroundings whilst Kev will still remember the paintings on the wall, who built the refectory and the fact that the first gardener’s uncle was fifth in line to the throne of Abyssinia. Proof positive that he has a larger database and more efficient facility/methodology for storing facts.
This armoury makes Kevin a natural for Eggheads with its insistence on elaboration of answer, although it inevitably does not sit easily with Kev’s amiable personality.
I can think of others that would thrive in this environment (My old team mates Ray Ward and Bob Jones spring immediately to mind) and my old mucker Chris Hughes is made for this format as he has a vast knowledge of many subjects and can express this knowledge in an interesting and entertaining manner. CJ is a born exhibitionist, albeit a clever one, Judith is a delightful and naturally knowledgeable lady and Daffers is simply the best female knowledge expert in the country.
So even in my heyday I would not feel that comfortable with the format as I remember only too well that no-one likes a smart alec but more than that I know there are others out there that are now better players and far more suited to the show. Gavin would indeed be one of those at the top of my list as would Dave Edwards, Pat Gibson, Ian Bayley, Olav Bjortomt, Dave Stainer, Barbara Thompson, Bev Barber, Mark Kerr, Dag Griffiths, Ray Oakes, John Wilson, Alan Gibb, Steve Kidd, Mark Bytheway, Tim Westcott, Eric Kilby, Geoff Thomas, Diane Hallaghan, Stephen Pearson , Tony Sherwood, Keith Pottage, Mark Labbett, Michael Penrice, Darren Martin, Karl Whelan, Chris Jones, Barry Simmons, Katie Bramall, Peter Ediss, Howard Pizzey and Isabel Heward, all for varying reasons (plus 20 or 30 others with quite valid claims).
Although I am great friends with several of the team, which was a great incentive, the downside is the modus operandi of the production team which lends itself to a rather negative perception of your average egghead as being smug and arrogant. When the self-effacing Lord Ashman (dubbed so by our mutual friend Gavin Fuller – who incidentally also turned down the poisoned chalice) is sometimes portrayed as a know-it-all, or at least stands accused by a tiny minority of being so, then I know it is not the gig for me.
Of course Kevin is a know-it-all in the true sense of the phrase but he certainly isn’t overtly so.
In my quiz-playing days I approached the ‘sport’ as I would an exam and would cram in enormous amounts of information before a competition and forget much of it soon after. When I say to people I have a very good memory it seems as though I am stating the obvious as surely that is a prerequisite of good quizzing. Well yes of course it is but the difference is that I used my memory as a tool for winning quizzes not to impress friend or foe or even because I have much of an interest in many of the subjects I researched.
To give you an example of the kind of thing I used to do, the first quiz book I ever read was a Gyles Brandreth multiple-choice delicacy. Now I could answer every single question in the book from cover to cover and some of them were jolly tough such as “What is the weight of the earth?” however the problem was if I was asked the questions out of order then I was hopeless. You see up until that time my party piece was to recite 50 digit numbers backwards on first hearing or memorise packs of cards within two minutes and my pegs were the traditional story-type mnemonics as used by the likes of memory man extraordinaire Dominic O’Brien.
Of course I had a healthy interest in certain subjects such as Tudor history, most sports except football and rugby, the Bible, Shakespeare, some classical music, some pop music, some literature; but the subjects I actually enjoyed reading were never committed to memory intently, this would have seemed almost blasphemous and certainly would have detracted from my enjoyment. No I was a quiz pro and studied lists of what were required to increase my chances of winning. The great Donald Yule (35 years quizzing laddie!) once said “I don’t read books, I read books about books” and if the truth be known that was always my approach to quizzing. I would never be caught on a world capital, ology, symphony nickname, American president, British prime minister, world flag, autobiography, pseudonym, British sovereign, planetary information, periodic table, Oscar winner, Nobel prize winner, Chinese new year, Greek or Roman god, Eurovision winner, Miss World winner, longest, tallest, highest, Greek alphabet, radio call sign, Grand National winner of the past 50 years, FA Cup winner of the past 50 years, Olympic champions.
The thing all these groups have in common is that they are finite lists at a point in time and very easily committed to memory, take no research as such and can easily be brushed up on every few months to ensure maximum confidence. Other subjects such as film, contemporary literature, television and current affairs are more difficult to feel totally confident about as they are ever-expanding or changing and it is no coincidence that these would be weaker areas of mine. Weaker areas still are pop music and food and drink which are absolutely huge topics to try and research and I simply couldn’t be bothered except in a most superficial way.
So what kind of quiz animal does this breed?
Well in two rounds of Mastermind I went through clean answering specialised questions on Elizabeth I and Mary, Queen of Scots. This is simply because I committed to memory all the information contained in my reading list I put forward to the show. I was totally confident in my ability and it showed in my performance.
Now my worst performance was probably Brain of Britain when I scored nil point after two rounds and ended up with a paltry seven points. I had done an enormous amount of research for the show and was probably on par with the database of Lord Ashman (in the stock subjects mentioned above) who took part in the recording after mine and scored a record score of about 38!
So what went wrong?
Simple (notwithstanding the fact that he has the best recall I have ever seen), the fact is Kev sees the ever-expanding subjects such as film as finite lists almost and so his all round database is that much larger than the opposition. What I am trying to say in a considered manner is that although it can appear in some formats that there is little between the top quiz players in actuality there may be quite a gulf.
Kev and I have visited many a stately home together and we will both avidly purchase the guides and devour everything we can. Six months on I will have forgotten all except the aesthetic beauty of the surroundings whilst Kev will still remember the paintings on the wall, who built the refectory and the fact that the first gardener’s uncle was fifth in line to the throne of Abyssinia. Proof positive that he has a larger database and more efficient facility/methodology for storing facts.
This armoury makes Kevin a natural for Eggheads with its insistence on elaboration of answer, although it inevitably does not sit easily with Kev’s amiable personality.
I can think of others that would thrive in this environment (My old team mates Ray Ward and Bob Jones spring immediately to mind) and my old mucker Chris Hughes is made for this format as he has a vast knowledge of many subjects and can express this knowledge in an interesting and entertaining manner. CJ is a born exhibitionist, albeit a clever one, Judith is a delightful and naturally knowledgeable lady and Daffers is simply the best female knowledge expert in the country.
So even in my heyday I would not feel that comfortable with the format as I remember only too well that no-one likes a smart alec but more than that I know there are others out there that are now better players and far more suited to the show. Gavin would indeed be one of those at the top of my list as would Dave Edwards, Pat Gibson, Ian Bayley, Olav Bjortomt, Dave Stainer, Barbara Thompson, Bev Barber, Mark Kerr, Dag Griffiths, Ray Oakes, John Wilson, Alan Gibb, Steve Kidd, Mark Bytheway, Tim Westcott, Eric Kilby, Geoff Thomas, Diane Hallaghan, Stephen Pearson , Tony Sherwood, Keith Pottage, Mark Labbett, Michael Penrice, Darren Martin, Karl Whelan, Chris Jones, Barry Simmons, Katie Bramall, Peter Ediss, Howard Pizzey and Isabel Heward, all for varying reasons (plus 20 or 30 others with quite valid claims).
Wednesday, 7 May 2008
Oh Mr Loophole i wish i could afford you!
I was very interested to read about Freddie Flintoff’s fortuitous let off after being captured on camera allegedly speeding at 87mph in a 50mph zone. Apparently, and my own solicitor has confirmed this, the notice of prosecution has to be sent and received within 14 days of the offence and in this case it was received after 18 days.
Mr Loophole (Nick Freeman) must be commended for his efforts I suppose but surely this is a technicality that hardly merits the use of his trademarked name?
Surely this legal requirement is well known and the system enabled to offer the same dispensation to all?.................Not so!
In February 2001 speed cameras were put up in my street where I have lived for over 30 years. On the 12th February I apparently fell foul of this camera three times, recording one mile over the limit on one journey and two miles over the limit on the other two.
I was blissfully unaware of my crime at the time but over two days during May 2001 the three prosecution notices arrived through my letterbox. To cut a long story short my brief was certainly not aware of the time stipulation and I was found guilty and the magistrate in his wisdom decided to give me three, four and five points respectively, under the totting up procedure, which meant I was automatically banned although there is very little I could have done and once aware of the camera’s operation I obviously kept to the speed restriction.
The thing about being banned is that insurance companies do not discriminate between types of ban and speedsters, however slight, are treated in exactly the same manner as drink drivers. My own insurers, Royal Sun Alliance, immediately dropped me although I had paid up my premium in April 2001 unaware of what was to pop through my letterbox the following month. My new insurer charged me three times more than my previous premium for the next four years and so it turned out to be an expensive experience and as it happens one I could have legally avoided if only I knew my legal rights. Doh!
Mr Loophole (Nick Freeman) must be commended for his efforts I suppose but surely this is a technicality that hardly merits the use of his trademarked name?
Surely this legal requirement is well known and the system enabled to offer the same dispensation to all?.................Not so!
In February 2001 speed cameras were put up in my street where I have lived for over 30 years. On the 12th February I apparently fell foul of this camera three times, recording one mile over the limit on one journey and two miles over the limit on the other two.
I was blissfully unaware of my crime at the time but over two days during May 2001 the three prosecution notices arrived through my letterbox. To cut a long story short my brief was certainly not aware of the time stipulation and I was found guilty and the magistrate in his wisdom decided to give me three, four and five points respectively, under the totting up procedure, which meant I was automatically banned although there is very little I could have done and once aware of the camera’s operation I obviously kept to the speed restriction.
The thing about being banned is that insurance companies do not discriminate between types of ban and speedsters, however slight, are treated in exactly the same manner as drink drivers. My own insurers, Royal Sun Alliance, immediately dropped me although I had paid up my premium in April 2001 unaware of what was to pop through my letterbox the following month. My new insurer charged me three times more than my previous premium for the next four years and so it turned out to be an expensive experience and as it happens one I could have legally avoided if only I knew my legal rights. Doh!
Thursday, 13 March 2008
Sports Relief Does The Apprentice
I watched Sport Relief Does The Apprentice last night and had to chuckle to myself when Sir Alan Sugar introduced the 10 celebrity contestants. His summing up of Kelvin Mackenzie was ‘our paths have crossed before….I recall calling you on one occasion after being treated badly by you and your response was fuck off”. My unrestrained laughter was simply because for Sir Alan Sugar read Trevor Montague. Yes for several years I have felt a sense of indignation over the time I rang Mr Mackenzie’s TalkSport studio to enquire about an unpaid bill for some work I did for him only to be greeted with exactly the same four-lettered response and a further valedictory outburst of the most vile language I have ever heard. I was so shocked my first instinct was to report the incident to the police as an assault but after talking to my father and my friend Jeremy Beadle, who informed me that this was almost a term of endearment from the former newspaper editor, I realised this would be fruitless and perhaps I was being a bit of a wuss. The truth is although my sensitivities were undoubtedly offended I considered that if this man could talk to me in such a manner for no apparent reason then he could bully anyone in a similar vein and this should not be allowed. Anyway, it was heartening to know that the great business guru had the same experience of the man as myself and in a way it laid to rest any remaining feelings of violation I may have felt. Mr Mackenzie may be a foul-mouthed bully but at least he picks on the big boys on occasion!
I don’t usually like the idea of celebrity contestants or indeed charity editions of successful shows per se as they tend to be stylised (rigged) beyond the bounds of human tolerance. Sport Relief is not one of my favourite charities after I was forced to fight a two-year campaign on behalf of 30 local special needs children from Crawley College whom I had promised a trip to Old Trafford and a signed Manchester United shirt after winning this as a prize on a Comic Relief quiz show. Between the BBC and Comic Relief they had contrived to give my prize to 30 children in the north of England, or at least that was what I was told as there was absolutely no public accountability whatsoever. My prize was clearly for 30 ‘local’ children and it was only after I threatened to pay for the trip myself but publicise the reason why, did they finally relent and give us a coach to transport the kids to Manchester. We never did receive the shirt, which I could have auctioned for thousands of pounds at one of my quizzes, but the children did have a day that they will never forget…………….and so did i. I fell asleep on the coach going home and woke up with one of the boys giving me a French kiss! I’ve never been confused!
Anyway, Sport Relief Does The Apprentice, was unusually good value. Of course it would have had its usual remit of trying to keep it real but with the characters chosen this was achieved quite naturally and Phil Tufnell and Hardeep Singh Kohli in particular were very funny and would make a great double act.
The premise for the show was that the five men and five women had to beg, borrow and steal items to be sold by them at a celebrity bash for exorbitant prices.
It was never in doubt that the more organised women were going to win, despite Bernie Ecclestone’s doubling of the men’s takings, but with Mr Mackenzie’s natural propensity to offend coupled with the equally natural juvenile humour of Hardeep, Tuffers and Nick Hancock, the result seemed incidental.
My favourite one-liners included Tuffers calling Sir Alan, Sir Sugar and Hardeep replying to Sir Alan’s story about a chapatti that disagreed with him ‘It’s your chapatti you can cry if you want to’. The award for quick wittedness also goes to Hardeep for his magnificent retort to Mr Mackenzie’s earlier reference to him being like Hitler (this prompted Hardeep to resign as team leader after 45 minutes in the job). In Sir Alan’s final summing up he told Hardeep not to expect a Christmas Card from Mackenzie to which Kelvin responded “quite right, where do you live” and quick as a flash Hardeep replied “just outside Berlin apparently”. Inspired!
Who’ll be fired? Be interesting to see if Sir Alan harbours a grudge against Mr Mackenzie. I know it’s only TV but it does add a certain edge to proceedings : )
I don’t usually like the idea of celebrity contestants or indeed charity editions of successful shows per se as they tend to be stylised (rigged) beyond the bounds of human tolerance. Sport Relief is not one of my favourite charities after I was forced to fight a two-year campaign on behalf of 30 local special needs children from Crawley College whom I had promised a trip to Old Trafford and a signed Manchester United shirt after winning this as a prize on a Comic Relief quiz show. Between the BBC and Comic Relief they had contrived to give my prize to 30 children in the north of England, or at least that was what I was told as there was absolutely no public accountability whatsoever. My prize was clearly for 30 ‘local’ children and it was only after I threatened to pay for the trip myself but publicise the reason why, did they finally relent and give us a coach to transport the kids to Manchester. We never did receive the shirt, which I could have auctioned for thousands of pounds at one of my quizzes, but the children did have a day that they will never forget…………….and so did i. I fell asleep on the coach going home and woke up with one of the boys giving me a French kiss! I’ve never been confused!
Anyway, Sport Relief Does The Apprentice, was unusually good value. Of course it would have had its usual remit of trying to keep it real but with the characters chosen this was achieved quite naturally and Phil Tufnell and Hardeep Singh Kohli in particular were very funny and would make a great double act.
The premise for the show was that the five men and five women had to beg, borrow and steal items to be sold by them at a celebrity bash for exorbitant prices.
It was never in doubt that the more organised women were going to win, despite Bernie Ecclestone’s doubling of the men’s takings, but with Mr Mackenzie’s natural propensity to offend coupled with the equally natural juvenile humour of Hardeep, Tuffers and Nick Hancock, the result seemed incidental.
My favourite one-liners included Tuffers calling Sir Alan, Sir Sugar and Hardeep replying to Sir Alan’s story about a chapatti that disagreed with him ‘It’s your chapatti you can cry if you want to’. The award for quick wittedness also goes to Hardeep for his magnificent retort to Mr Mackenzie’s earlier reference to him being like Hitler (this prompted Hardeep to resign as team leader after 45 minutes in the job). In Sir Alan’s final summing up he told Hardeep not to expect a Christmas Card from Mackenzie to which Kelvin responded “quite right, where do you live” and quick as a flash Hardeep replied “just outside Berlin apparently”. Inspired!
Who’ll be fired? Be interesting to see if Sir Alan harbours a grudge against Mr Mackenzie. I know it’s only TV but it does add a certain edge to proceedings : )
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