We are Family!

Lately I have felt like I have entered a world somewhere between The Twilight Zone and The Outer Limits and I have just been waiting for normal service to be resumed as soon as possible.


This year has been surreal ; awful in many respects.

The past few months have given me time for reflection and there has been a lot to reflect on as I seem not to be coping with my ‘accident’ as well as I thought I was.

Perhaps it is the niggling pains, the thought of being indisposed for months, the sleeplessness or just the sense of loss at feeling unable to ever again take part in my long-time sport of cycle racing – who knows?

I have some fantastic friends and I know it is a cliché but without them I don’t know how I would have coped at all. I have been up and down, feeling I’m going to die one moment and then feeling strong the next. When I’m in a car I find myself terrified of traffic and any threat or fear, however slight, is causing my body to flood with adrenalin, causing breathlessness and dizziness. One Friday evening recently, a short walk to the end of the road turned into a fight for survival as my heart began to thud out of control forcing me to drop to my knees tearing clumps of grass in confusion. I understand now how my dear sister was terrified of traffic after being involved in a serious car accident in August 1966.

I have felt such a wuss of late and at one point my closest friend actually begged me to ‘man up’. I believe these episodes are panic attacks and can be brought on by the anxiety of chronic illness. It still doesn’t sit well with me though as I feel my faith should be enough to prevent any feelings of anxiety. One of my favourite biblical passages is in Matthew 6 where we are told that we cannot add a single hour to our lives by worrying. It is evidently true and yet in moments of crisis we let ourselves fall into the devil’s trap of self awareness and pity. One of the injuries I sustained in August was a hole in my left ear. This has caused me to develop a constant high-pitched noise which I tend to negate by leaving the television on at night to give myself some background noise. I turn the TV off at some point during the night and immediately become aware of the noise and what I began to do was to believe it was all doom and gloom instead of thinking it was just a temporary blip that will pass – all things inevitably do. I have now put all negative thoughts out of my mind since I’ve been back to church and able to read my bible again.

As I say, my friends have been great. I’ve been overwhelmed with lifts and gifts, including my erstwhile bête noire of an Amazon Kindle. God forbid, these infernal machines, that have been responsible for seriously depleting my hard copy sale, are actually quite useful when one only has one good hand.

As always when I suffer stress or grief my mind turns to family. Who actually are my family?

I have five siblings who for one reason or another are estranged to me. I have never really come to terms with it, as unrequited love is never pleasant and within a family circle it is confusing and frustrating and creates great sadness. I know I am to blame for much of it although I don’t really see it as a blame issue at all. We had a quite unusual upbringing and amid our laughter and joy was some sadness. This sadness was rarely spoken about but in our own individual minds I know it was there. We became islands and did not let each other in too much for the simple reason we knew of each other’s trials and tribulations and our way of dealing with it all was to escape into our own worlds.

I have however found great relief within the scriptures.

Jesus teaches us that family is our Christian fellowship group - with God at the head of the family.

I know I have had lots of people praying for me lately and this has given me enormous strength.

My own faith too, although peppered with moments of self-indulgence and anger at why I should be in this present predicament, has also fortified my vulnerable natural state. I can make some sense of it all above the randomness of earthly misfortunes, in fact it is the Christian way to look within ourselves at times of crises and to put our houses in order if needs be. Sometimes we reason that God has been trying to tell us something and we have refused to listen. Please don’t misunderstand that I am suggesting that God punishes us for being stubborn although in my darkest moments I’d be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind. No, my natural self tells me that I am so flawed and insignificant that God would never be bothered with the likes of me, but my Christian beliefs help me understand that we are all significant to God so some rationalisation is required.

In my case my life does need tweaking. I have lived selfishly as a sportsman for so many years and even through illness and injury and a doctor’s warning not to cycle any more I have persevered. Sometimes I wonder if it defines me as a person. I gave up quizzing partly because I felt the time allocation was too great and yet I spend hours down the gym and hours more out on my bike.

I have also struggled with gambling and celibacy over the years, the former I used to accommodate by promising God I would never gamble during the forty days of Lent and the latter I would reason was a natural inclination to share one’s life in holy matrimony.

So who do I consider to be my family?

Of course my blood ties are unbreakable and I live in hope of reconciliation. I actually knocked on the door of my dear brother Gary only the other day and although I prayed beforehand that I might say the right things unfortunately he wasn’t at home so I didn’t get the chance to say anything at all. I think he knows I love him though so all is well.

Can people you don’t see be family?

Yes they can. Jesus teaches us that our family are all those people that share the same vision, the same hope and the same faith. When His mother and brothers came to visit Him once He made a point of remarking, while pointing to all His followers, that these are my family. My closest Christian friend is as much family as any of my blood relatives but also all those Christians I might not know the name of are equally considered to be family.

Don’t we all feel supportive of fellow members of clubs and societies?

I pray that my blood relatives are Christian or at least will one day be so. Quite often the state of Christianity is a mere timing difference!