Hats Off to the Holiday Inn, Sutton

I’ve been roaming around doing all sorts of publicity work for the sixth edition of the A to Z of almost Everything and found myself in Sutton, south London this week.

After a meeting with the manager of the local Waterstones I walked back to my hotel room in the rain so decided to have a shower and eat in my room. I ordered battered hake and chips with mushy peas, an ice cream dessert and a bottle of champagne. An hour later I received a phone call from the manager advising me that the chef had sold all the hake so would I like to order something else from the menu. I decided on the Cajun chicken. I wasn’t in the least put out by this but when the young lady brought the order to my room she informed me the whole meal was compliments of the management.

Chapeau!

Apologies for late publication of the A to Z of almost Everything (sixth edition)

So the sixth edition of my A to Z of almost Everything has finally been published this year.

I apologise to all those correspondents who wrote/emailed me since the turn of the year as my initial forecast publication date became impossible for reasons beyond my control. When the October date came and went I stopped replying to enquirers as it became rather embarrassing. Every day for the last month I have been bombarded with phone calls from numerous independent book shops as well as virtually every Waterstones store in Britain. My frustration has been immense as the printer seemed to have one problem after the other all the time delaying things further. My former publisher, Little Brown, have been absolutely marvellous in providing the printer lost files (repeatedly) and have generally ensured the book eventually got to market this side of Christmas.

The good news is that the book was finally published on Monday 9 December 2013 and the feedback has all been good so far. The new A4 format seems to be popular and although the printing costs are considerably higher than the Crown Quarto format of previous editions I feel my readers deserve a larger less cluttered read. For the first time I have not made the cut-off point the turn of the year and so events up to the time of going to press are included.

My final apology is to anyone who is unable to purchase the book this month as demand has been higher than anticipated and Gardners (one of the two main wholesalers in the UK) sold out of stock within a day and Bertrams (the other main wholesaler) have only 200 copies left at time of writing. Another print run is now under way so all’s well that ends well.

As for myself – well I decided to go for an off-road jaunt on my new cross bike on publication day with my pal Tony and as I was crossing a wooden bridge on Tilgate Golf Course one of the slats disintegrated and my front wheel disappeared causing me to smack my face on the ground and whiplash my neck. I screamed like a baby as a jolt of pain seared through my neck and at the same time my right leg locked up in complete defensive cramp. My first thought was that my last remaining pair of glasses was broken so I was determined to get to Vision Express before they closed. As I staggered through the shopping mall I felt all eyes on me as one person after another asked after my wellbeing. I didn’t make it to the shop before the mall staff insisted on calling an ambulance as I apparently looked like the Elephant Man’s less attractive brother. Whilst awaiting the ambulance my glasses were dispensed and my faith in human nature was elevated a notch or three – we humans are good in a crisis. Four days on my ribs and shoulder is frozen somewhat and I have a mild concussion but I seem to have got away with it again and will be able to enjoy the winter ice rink we cyclists call on-road cycling in the near future. Incidentally, I must say a big thank you to my insurance company Allianz. I phoned to report my accident and they advised me that although I insure my glasses, I only have cover for accidents within the home. I happened to mention that I trod on my penultimate pair two weeks ago but didn’t intend claiming as I already had an insurance claim earlier this year after my mountain bike was stolen from my shed. Allianz not only insisted I claim for those glasses but also mentioned that a previous pair I broke last year should also have been claimed for and gave me leave to purchase two new pairs like for like. Heartening isn’t it.

Merry Christmas to all my readers and even if you don’t buy my books – WHY? – a very happy new year to you all and God bless us sinners – even all my atheist friends on the Mensa forum who don’t believe in my God but delight in discussing the non-existence of Him with me at great length and with great passion.

Uri Geller - master manipulator - or are the BBC wasting our money?

So the man does it again - has a documentary shown on the BBC about his secret life as a spy!!!

As we pay for their output it would be nice to think that programme makers cast a discerning eye over their content but how did anyone at the Beeb consider Uri Geller's latest reinvention to have any possible interest for anyone but those that believe that Ken and Deidre drink at the Rovers and Phil Mitchell owns a garage in Walford.

I assume the double-page spread in The Sun - I Was A Spy For the CIA and Helped End Cold War - (P- lease) was supplied by the other master manipulator, Max Clifford, or maybe was a regurgitation of one of Mr Geller's stories from 45 years ago! but hey it works - I'm blogging about him!

My real point here is that I have noticed a marked drop in quality control of our viewing across all the terrestrial channels and I hanker for the days when there was something to look forward to on the box.

At the moment the afternoon quizzes are all repeats, YES Perfection, Pointless, Tipping Point and Eggheads all repeats and at the same time too - UNBELIEVABLE - CJ left Eggheads years ago but he still turns up in repeats on a regular basis!

Even the plots of our soap operas have suffered during the recession and continuity has become non existent.

So Rob steals £20,000 worth of undies from his sister Carla's factory without reprisals but a few weeks later Rob wins £36,000 from the bookies owned by Carla's husband, Peter. Now forgive me for believing that our soaps should be touched with reality but surely Peter would have turned around and said something like "you can sing for your money and don't even think about taking me to court or else I'll tell the police about the robbery" - but no he decides to sell his business instead - as you would NOT.

Eastenders is just as guilty with Ian Beale being vilified by daughter Lucy for taking back ownership of his businesses she stole while he was in his Benny Hawkins phase.

When will programme makers and scriptwriters stop taking us for fools and sit down and discuss plot lines and characters?

And I refuse to even discuss the likes of Simon Cowell

I wish the BBC would employ someone like my old mate Barry Hearn as programme editor as he gives the public what they want in the sporting arena be it the magnificent Prizefighter, Fish-o-Mania, Snooker or Darts coverage. I am sure Barry could transfer his talents to the performing arts. On that subject, I must praise some of the quality of digital channels, particularly the Arts Channel. I tend to watch more of Sky Arts 1 and 2 than any other channels as there is invariably something that catches my interest.

Uri Geller - still doing the same sad old party trick of mind drawing and spoon bending - the ultimate media pony way ahead of the likes of Katie Price but probably blessed with the same amount of talent. Clifford and the other 'jobs for the boys' brigade have a monopoly of the media but come the revolution................

Doctor Who?

I've been busy the past few months updating and revising the A to Z of almost Everything for the 2013 edition so have resisted the temptation to blog. However, I would be failing in my duty to all those die-hard Dr Who fans if I didn't make a brief comment on the latest series, and in particular the second episode of that series. In short, it was, as many online commentators suggested, the worst episode ever, failing the tried and tested formula of good plot line, bad adversaries and gripping finale.

As someone who has watched every episode since November 1963 I rarely fail to find some value in plot lines and indeed the idea of the newbie assistant having carte blanche to travel anywhere in the universe has always been less successful than when the Doctor is summoned by SOS, but this lazy rambling episode had nothing going for it from the start.

Matt Smith is an OK Doctor, a little one dimensional with no light or shade to his portrayal but perfectly acceptable and following in the long line of eccentrics since Patrick Troughton took over from the great William Hartnell. Early indications are that Jenna-Louise Coleman is a very talented actress and her portrayal of Clara Oswald is very good although I would like her to give the impression of being just a tad afraid of meeting all manner of scary monsters!

No, the real problem I'm afraid is the writing. I know I've said it before (and contrary to what some respondents have suggested I have never met him) Steven Moffat is a master of planning intricate plots and, if it is not a contradiction in terms, in making the whole storyline believable. Luther creator Neil Cross wrote this second episode of the latest series, The Rings of Akhaten, and much as I hate to criticise any creative mind, he clearly is not a fan of the show in the same way as Steven obviously is.

Please sort things out BBC

RIP Maggie Thatcher - who could fail to admire such strength and character

Let's Pray That Maria's Death Was Not In Vain

Please say a prayer for Maria Santos Gorrostieta, a Mexican politician who stood up to local drug barons despite three attempts on her life. Tragically, the fourth attempt on 15 November was successful and this 36-year-old heroine was brutally murdered. Her story is one of rare distinction inasmuch as this very talented doctor of medicine, who lost her first husband to drug traffickers in 2009 and was herself shot three times during a 2010 assassination attempt, refused to yield in the face of overwhelming odds and despite fearing for the lives of her children remained true to her Catholic faith and sense of duty toward humankind.

My first thought on reading about this story was to pray that the perpetrators paid in full for their crime and also that Maria’s death would begin a backlash against organised crime which is blighting so many of the world’s great cities.

I cannot begin to understand the magnificent defiance shown by Maria but what is really upsetting is the lack of security for someone who was clearly earmarked for assassination. What have we become?

The filthy rich get richer while the poor are dying in misery and yet governments do nothing; organised gangs run many of the world’s cities while police watch on and do nothing – only today I was stopped by a police car outside my house when travelling to my local gym. The car came roaring up with full siren and flashing lamp, the PC got out of his car and introduced himself as PC xxxx from Haywards Heath and then thanked me for stopping (what did he expect a chase down the dual carriageway!) before asking me to turn my steering wheel full lock to check my tyres. I explained my car had just had its MOT and had new tyres. He agreed my tyres were in perfect condition and on my asking why I had been stopped and by any chance was it because of my hood and dark glasses he replied “No, it was because your car is in such a state”. I then explained that I had the car since new and after twanging the side in the church car park I decided to keep it the past 12 years as it has never let me down. I went on to say how I had washed it only a few days ago to which he replied “you shouldn’t have bothered” before returning to his car and driving off.

Yes, although I chuckled, I was a little surprised that someone would be so rude about the look of my car as I have always thought of it as quite a handsome looking Fiat Brava, but why I tell you this story is that my first thought was the scant resources of our police force were being wasted. My car has got 50,000 miles on the clock is in good repair and doesn’t immediately strike you as a death trap. I’m sure there are many cars on our roads that are equally old and many would be in far worse condition than my car which is rarely driven.

I thought of Maria and the absurdity of the situation – this crazy mixed up world where crime should be targeted and yet a PC’s shift can be filled by the routine stopping of old cars! 

Congrats to Neil Black

I was really pleased to see that Neil Black became the British Athletics team performance director recently. Neil is a great motivator and hands-on operator (literally in his case being the team’s physio for many years) and is someone I have a great respect for.

I remember when I was struggling with injuries throughout the 1990s and became quite depressed and unable to feel positive about anything. I saw every quack under the sun, from acupunturists to Zen Budhists, but to no avail. A GP friend, Peter Greenaway, who had just begun to specialise in sports medicine, put me in touch with Neil as a last throw of the dice. Neil immediately highlighted several muscular-skeleto problems and set about a course of treatment that enabled me to not only begin training again but also gain the bronze medal in the Zest Peugeot National Fitness Championships in 2000, aged 45.

I’ve learned a lot during my time in sport and one of the things is to beware of fads, BS merchants, psychologists and anyone who tries to reinvent the wheel. Saying that, science plays a major part in the sporting arena nowadays and Neil is in the same mould as Dave Brailsford as someone who will leave no stone unturned to give Team GB that vital edge in competition.

Now all we need to do is sort out our football team!

Jimmy Savile

I’ve been doing my very best to resist the urge to blog of late as book commitments leave me little time for distractions, however, the Jimmy Savile controversy has prompted me to vent my spleen.

Obviously I do not know all the ins and outs of every claim, indeed of any of the claims, but it is quite obvious that at best Mr Savile was an odd, rather sad character whose behaviour towards the opposite sex was inappropriate (at worst of course he should have been outed and locked up away from society many years ago).

Only a few short weeks ago I was out cycling with a chap who had bought Jimmy Savile’s bike and we were exchanging stories about his legendary charity fund-raising (only my dear departed friend Jeremy Beadle even comes close to the amounts raised by Mr Savile). A visit to his grave to pay respects was planned…

So what do we feel about the man now?

Well there is no grave to speak of anymore and the press have vilified the man to the extent that his family feel threatened by the adverse publicity. The same family who were so proud of him that they denied the case of the woman who came forward as his illegitimate daughter - perhaps that woman is now thankful for the rebuttal.

But, and please do not misunderstand my words, I cannot help but think that every person who kept quiet, be it an individual or corporation, and who now says they knew of his lascivious nature, are almost equally to blame for any wrongdoings.

I just don’t understand why a blind eye could be turned in the same way as I do not understand the reasons why my own Catholic church ever covered for debauched priests. Of course I do not include the alleged victims in my judgement as I can quite understand circumstances where silence is the only viable option for the young and vulnerable but we cannot condone the silence of so-called responsible adults.

How often have I bleated on about the dangers of nepotism and all its many guises in our every day dealings in life? This is yet another. A powerful man perceived to be an eccentric do-gooder is forgiven his many sins as he lays claim to a soft spot in the hearts of the nation. Let’s be honest. We all knew he was odd and he didn’t hide the fact that he could be dangerous – once admitting on a talk show that he could make a phone call in London and someone up north could have their legs broken! But because of Jim’ll Fix It and his charity marathons we chose to believe that his inappropriate looking fondling of young girls was entirely innocent. I for one fell for it - and who can blame me? My mind would tell me that this man was a surly, difficult reprobate but the BBC elevated him to a level that made him untouchable. I ended up liking the man despite his obvious shortcomings - but then again I had no idea that there were greater demons in his psyche.

And how can it possibly happen that a man walks the earth for 84 years and is one step short of sainthood but then dies and subsequently stands accused of the most heinous crimes?

Does it surprise or shock me?

Not in the least.

I have often said that human beings are a naturally scurrilous lot both in word and deed. We turn a blind eye to “loveable rogues”, we favour friends and family even when they are wrong, we even throw out all sense of decency on a Saturday afternoon when we support our football teams by daemonising the opposition. And yes, I have done these things myself so claim no moral high ground. Our politicians are less corrupt than in many other countries so we settle for the mediocrity. Is it just my age or are today’s politicians a joke? Perhaps they always have been – maybe the joke is on us. Having dabbled in local politics I can honestly say that the greasy pole to the top might be paved with good intentions but in stark reality is a slimy dirty business not befitting of decent right-minded folk and inhabited by misfits, wannabes and reprobates. A sweeping hyperbole of course and a slur on all those individuals who take up public duty for the right reasons BUT unfortunately even those people become part of the system eventually compromising their maverick good natures in a self-deluding haze of expediency - or else they simply fade away as shrinking violets. It is these people as much as the police, the BBC or showbusiness insiders who I blame for making society the dishonest disenfranchised mess that it is. Until we nurture politicians who do not throw us crumbs just before an election but who passionately care about the ongoing state of the nation irrespective of election results, we will always struggle. We will always tolerate the Jimmy Saviles of this world. Just look at the inappropriate honours bestowed upon businessmen such as Sir Philip Green, Sir Richard Branson and Lord Alan Sugar. Not wishing to belittle their achievements but hardly known for their intellect, megalomanic tendencies, vested interests in all manner of areas and yet because they scratch the back of certain political parties from time to time they have power that is detrimental to an enlightened society. I will shout it from the hilltops but no one needs more than a million pounds even today and all these people should be taxed accordingly and the money used to float third world equality. Let us not revere the rich and famous per se but instead admire their deeds.

Only then will people speak up and ensure that the little man is heard and just maybe a fair society will ensure that no child in care will ever again be abused – better still a fair society will ensure that we no longer have children in care