My Tooth Hurty Appointment

It’s been a funny old week what with one thing and another. It started off with me chipping a tooth causing the resultant jagged edge to play havoc with my tongue. What a blessed relief it was to sit in the dentist’s chair and feel that erstwhile dreaded drill doing its work so that I might again speak and eat in comfort. Oh how we take those simple pleasures for granted.

“Bottom left is it” said my dentist. “Yeah” I replied, thinking what a great insight the man has to my teeth before he even begins his investigation. “And a rinse. There you go all done”. Fantastic ! I felt a new man after having such a miserable time of late. That is until I left the surgery and seemed to feel the same stiletto piercing of my lingual regions as I opened my gob. I convinced myself that it must be the swelling and previous lacerations but was surprised that eating was so painful with my tongue constantly being spiked as I chomped.

I swallowed my pride, and little else I might add, and made another appointment, fearing the offending tooth would require extraction. As I sat in the chair and opened my mouth to scream Aghhhhhh I thought I’d help this time by placing my finger on the offending jagged edge to explain the problem. “Oh” said the dentist. “That tooth – I’ve been drilling in another place”.

I’d been a victim of the classic wrong tooth gag. It was hardly as serious as the wrong limb being amputated, or being given a wrong fatal diagnosis, but strangely upsetting nonetheless. The relief of feeling whole again more than made up for any feelings of annoyance. In fact I rather thought it was very funny as the dentist tried to reassure me that the tooth he drilled was definitely in need of pruning!

And then I received my six-monthly wages from my publisher. What a bizarre job I have that I get paid twice a year and never have a clue how much it is likely to be, if anything at all. The simple truth is that most authors do not earn royalties from their books. They are paid an advance and in most cases the resultant sales are not sufficient to exceed the money already paid. I know this to be true from the trade mags, stats, and my friends within the industry, some of which have never earnt a royalty in their lives. How lucky and spoilt have I been then that for ten years my books have not only always earnt royalties but have in fact clawed back the advance paid at first statement. I am always amazed that after ten years of being in the shops my A to Z of Everything is as popular now as it was when I was first told it was “flying off the shelves” in 2001. Perhaps it is the hours I put in or just plain luck but whatever it is I am truly humbled by the response the book has generated. How fortunate am I to have a job where I am told I am doing OK by my fellow humans. It wasn’t always the case for me as an accountant. Of the thousands of letters, email and phone calls received I can’t remember a solitary negative one. Of course I am used to the stock letter that tells me how wonderful the book is but then goes on to point out an error on page 1192 but these have become an invaluable aid to ensure greater accuracy next time around. If I never sold another book I would still praise the Lord for my good fortune.

And then in the knowledge that I can eat for the next six months I decided to watch some TV for a change. This was definitely a treat as I have been working up to 20 hour days since November desperately trying to complete my latest work the A to Z of Popular Culture. I have given up my cycling, television, and I’m full of shame to say even some church commitments in order to put closure on seven years of research. The work is now complete and yet I have not yet sent it to a publisher as I am forever tweaking and editing as I tend to be the ultimate perfectionist and every time I read a section I feel I can improve it. Anyway, flicking through the channels I came across a show where two celebrities were in various stages of suing the press for defamation, one of which was Lembit Opik, the former MP for Montgomeryshire, who has single-handedly done for politics what Psycho did for shower curtains. It really was hilarious when his solicitor took his case to a barrister in the hope of representation and the barrister rather apologetically suggested that the comments in The Times might be considered ‘fair comment’.

Now Limp Bizkit is a very affable chap, definitely the type of man I’d have a pint with, if I were so disposed. He didn’t go to the extremes as some of his friends at fiddling his expenses although £2,500 for a plasma TV and the expectation of reimbursement for a £40 fine for council tax evasion was probably pushing things a little. Even taking Sian Lloyds caustic criticism of his womanising and excessive drinking with a pinch of salt as the rantings of an ex-lover, Mr Cheeky boy does write for the Daily Sport and does earn a living as a stand-up comedian. Noble occupations one might consider but, and it is a big but, if someone has serious aspirations to become the sort of person that one would trust to make policy that will effect up to 60 million people in this country and many more globally, then perhaps their private life should be tempered with a little more sprinkling of gravitas. I’m all for character and personality and truth and honesty and I feel Limpet has all these traits, albeit in very unequal and dysfunctional proportions.

Unfortunately, I missed the last few minutes because my Sky + box packed up and so I don’t know how his case turned out but I fear it was doomed. I think the good people of Wales merely said to themselves Ecce Homo – or maybe ‘ecky thump - but I doubt if anything they read in The Times served to influence greatly. I see people like Lampost at every Labour Party meeting I attend - Good-natured and good-intentioned but unfortunately lacking ability, drive, experience, nous, gravitas, judgement, intelligence, craft and wit. Isn’t it a great world where the likes of Tracy Emin can become an artist although she cannot paint? Or the likes of Lambpit Opec can become a politician although he cannot be taken seriously. I truly believe it is marvellous but let’s have some perspective here. Ask Nigel Havers if he had any preconceived ideas about the Liberal MP before he met him in the jungle. Nigel knows more than a little about British politics of course, and yet he found it truly frightening that this man was allowed out on his own and in charge of sharp instruments let alone representing thousands of people in parliament!

Incidentally, I’ve been given a date of 5th April for the Sky engineers to fix my box. Yet another £65 call-out on a box that has never worked properly since installed in September 2009, but 5th April!! I pay £58 per month for their service, or lack of it, and you can’t even get terrestrial TV anymore since they decided to drop it a couple of years ago. I remember being a child in the 1960s and mum calling out the TV repair man on our rented set. They would always come out same day or give you a new set, nowadays they keep you waiting a week and charge you into the bargain. As long as they don’t expect to charge me the full monthly rental next month for a service they are not supplying. So I’m going to miss the Cricket World Cup final on Saturday. I wonder if Lumpit would invite me around to watch it with him?

STOP PRESS - I was subsequently fortunate to find a local TV repair man, Dave Farr, who repaired my damaged box, only charged me £40 and enabled me to watch India play Sri Lanka this coming Saturday. There is a moral there somewhere but the bottom line is that SKY after sales service is non-existent and shame on them