Happy Easter to you all

The young bomb disposal expert Captain Lisa Head recently killed in the Helmand Province of Afghanistan has prompted me to re-evaluate my thoughts about the military.


When we think of all those soldiers that have lost their lives in the course of their duty we often attempt to rationalise it with all manner of inadequate cliches: ‘Liberty’, ‘Queen and country’, ‘democracy’, ‘good over evil’, ‘a necessary evil’, ‘fair play’, ‘honour’, ‘future peace’, ‘stability’ and even ‘they knew the risk’. To the families left behind, all these reasons are but crumbs of comfort as despair, emptiness, confusion and anger embroil their very being. And yet many of the left behind find joy in the knowledge that their loved ones did not die in vain.



A Christian’s life is very similar – On this Good Friday we reflect on the anniversary of Jesus’ death and we attempt to rationalise it albeit in a typically human way. We know that Jesus suffered a truly painful death and we also know He did this for us, so that we might be saved – and yet because we learn that the story has a happy ending in which Jesus rises again our fickle brains make light of the sacrifice Jesus made.



I remember the parable of the labourers in the vineyard whereby the householder hired various workers in the morning for a penny a day. As the day went on he hired more workers at the third hour, the sixth hour and finally at the eleventh hour. He told these latecomers that he would pay them what is right. When the day was done and the steward paid each man a penny, those that had worked all day felt cheated. The steward had paid the last recruited first and it was too much for them to bear to see these people receive a full penny. They imagined the goodman of the house would pay them more when it came to their turn – but alas no. Perhaps if the steward had only paid the latecomers half a penny the early workers would still be satisfied!

There are several points here: Jesus offered this parable as an example of a description of the kingdom of heaven. One of the morals of the story is that the last shall be first and the first last. I had a real example of this in practice today when I turned up late for church and the car park was full. I drove around the block and found the one free parking space at the back of the church next to the presbytery. As the church was full I was ushered in to the presbytery where I and some other latecomers were given a full-screen video-link of the service complete with a fantastic audio system. We didn’t even have to queue to take communion as one of the priests came to us first. It isn’t a great analogy perhaps but truth is I arrived at church at 2.50 for a 3 o’clock service so was not really late and I was not bothered about parking as I knew there was a pay-and-display just up the road. In a similar way in the parable those that were employed first thing required no faith. They entered into a contract and were paid their full due. Those that were employed later in the day were only told they would be paid “whatever is right”. They required faith that they would be paid a fair amount. Clearly the good householder had done no wrong. He entered into a contract with each worker and they were happy. What changed? Absolutely nothing – except the ridiculous non-christian sense of fair play that humans have developed since man’s first disobedience. It is this same fallacy that permeates all human reasoning and why we struggle to do the right thing without recourse to God. How many times have I heard non-christians tell me they do not sin? Well clearly most so-called ‘right-minded citizens’ would feel a little peeved if someone who worked only one hour received the same wages for their graft as they themselves who worked a full twelve hours. They simply cannot rationalise things correctly in their human brains. It is a sin to covet someone else’s property and that is what this parable describes – among several other things.



Most people cannot comprehend any other way.



I read in this morning’s Telegraph that Dr Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury has suggested that the rich and powerful should be required by law to spend time each year helping the poor and needy. He is right in my opinion. It is not so much wrong that we elevate the rich and famous but all Christians know that all such people have received their reward on Earth and human wealth and position trucks no status in the kingdom of heaven. I wrote to every person who took part in the Secret Millionaire series. I was touched by the crumbs they threw at those in need. I was not interested in their motives as it was of no consequence. Their reward is of this Earth but God in His kingdom expects far more of us.



In Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians (chapters 6 and 7) he lays out a template for the perfect Christian life for all those born again. The template is as relevant today as it was 2000 years ago and yet even the truest of Christians struggle with its content. I myself am guilty of customising my faith to accommodate my shortcomings.



I was driving along with a Christian friend the other day and they asked me out of the blue to describe my relationship with God using a motoring analogy. I didn’t even think momentarily as I had no idea what I was going to say but my mouth spoke anyway. I saw myself driving down the highway alone with God driving beside me on the inside lane watching me. I was aware of Him and acutely aware of my sin also. I felt guilty but safe all the while He was watching over me. I felt panic too that He might disappear in exasperation at my stubborness. You see I do not do enough as a Christian, in fact, although I love the Lord with all my heart, I do nothing. I wondered why God did not pull over and invite me into His car. And then my mind wandered to God’s car on my inside. He was driven by His angels and He was pained. He said to them “Why doesn’t he pull over and ask Me for a lift”. You see the problem is there is a divide. I feel I have separated myself so inevitably communication breaks down. God does not hear unrepentant sinners and does not speak to those who will not listen. Although I pray that He makes me listen, the truth is He would rather I used my own freewill.

Please don’t misunderstand, I do nothing outrageously wrong. I have always felt not quite good enough anyway. It is my nature. I am one of six children and I never felt quite deserving of five siblings and never felt quite good enough to be a member of my own family. I was always on the fringes looking in but never participating fruitfully. It was the same with friendships. Why would anyone want to befriend me? – a sinner. So that said, it is inevitable that I feel I am a long way short of what a Christian should be. I say the right things of course but the truth is I am fickle. I am opinionated for one. I have always been anti-war and anti-fighting period – and yet I read the story of Captain Head and my human brain cannot compute. I don’t know her motives for joining the military but the job she undertook was brave to a point that few can imagine and I certainly can’t. She killed no one, rather she put herself on the front line to protect others. I hope that she is awarded a posthumous VC so that people will remember her bravery and her memory will live on on this Earth. I also pray that God evaluates her life and deeds and by His grace and mercy finds her to be someone worthy of His kingdom.



What is my sin you might ask? Where shall I begin. I am a fickle human being. I am supposed to try to emulate Jesus’ life and yet I lie over the most stupid things and try to justify my lies by imagining it is ‘for the best’! I am an occasional gambler who again justifies it by imagining that it is moderate and never happens during the 40 days of lent! I have too much money in the bank but justify that by throwing crumbs and imagining that I have responsibilities – and of course the rainy day syndrome! Where is my faith?

And of course I am very aware of my human frailty every time I am a victim of bad driving or bad manners. Need I go on. And yet I call myself Christian. Is it any wonder that we as a race are in the state we are in. Why we revere the likes of Richard Dawkins as some sort of revelationary guru instead of pity the simple-minded non-entity that I feel him to be. Ah well I suppose he does make a lot of money so in the world he describes this one to be perhaps my evaluation of him is a little harsh. I myself am fed up being a hypocrite. My faith is constant and eternal and yet am I the light I should be – NO WAY. I know of at least one person I had a relationship with in the past who would not think of me as any sort of light. For myself on this Blessed day I know time is running out. I must get things right in God’s eyes. I want my car to stop - to run out of petrol if that is the only way.



So to all those out there who also feel not quite good enough, please don’t despair. God is a patient God. Repent with a true heart and know that whether your sin is greater or less than mine is of no consequence to God. The Holy Spirit will help all those who have a true wish to purify their soul and although you will inevitably fall short of the perfection of Jesus you will find that if you do all that is humanly possible to know God then He will be there for you, not in an airy-fairy way but in a real way. And why then do I still bumble along having to continually confess my sins? Because I am human, better than some at being human and a whole heap worse than others. I cannot trust myself to refrain from nepotism and all those seemingly innocuous skewed decisions we make every day. Just look at those politicians we place in the ivory towers. They are no worse than any workers in any industry. Their mind sets are merely human and fallible. Unfortunately until we change the hearts of man we will all just bumble along making self-seeking decisions. But the good news is we can start looking at ourselves and make changes to ourselves. Not be influenced by what society (quite often the media today) deems as acceptable but take our lead from a higher source of command. Do not worry about being used and abused. Do not worry about being duped. And certainly do not worry if our fellow workers are paid more than us for doing the same job, or paid the same for doing less. So what – we can all work out our budget to live at an acceptable level. It is not difficult. I myself had a perfectly good existence when I lived on the streets for three weeks so there is not a millionaire alive who needs more. I find it obscene that Portugal requires nine billion to bail themselves out and yet over the years I have met individuals who have that kind of wealth themselves. Why can’t they give it up and be blessed both on this Earth but more importantly in the kingdom of heaven. Personally, and controversially perhaps, I would take it from them in taxation as I do not feel most people are capable of making such decisions themselves. Humans tend to justify things to themselves - even when they know something is for their own good they resist.



Happy Easter – isn’t it warm? God bless all those in pain – don’t worry, it doesn’t last

My Tooth Hurty Appointment

It’s been a funny old week what with one thing and another. It started off with me chipping a tooth causing the resultant jagged edge to play havoc with my tongue. What a blessed relief it was to sit in the dentist’s chair and feel that erstwhile dreaded drill doing its work so that I might again speak and eat in comfort. Oh how we take those simple pleasures for granted.

“Bottom left is it” said my dentist. “Yeah” I replied, thinking what a great insight the man has to my teeth before he even begins his investigation. “And a rinse. There you go all done”. Fantastic ! I felt a new man after having such a miserable time of late. That is until I left the surgery and seemed to feel the same stiletto piercing of my lingual regions as I opened my gob. I convinced myself that it must be the swelling and previous lacerations but was surprised that eating was so painful with my tongue constantly being spiked as I chomped.

I swallowed my pride, and little else I might add, and made another appointment, fearing the offending tooth would require extraction. As I sat in the chair and opened my mouth to scream Aghhhhhh I thought I’d help this time by placing my finger on the offending jagged edge to explain the problem. “Oh” said the dentist. “That tooth – I’ve been drilling in another place”.

I’d been a victim of the classic wrong tooth gag. It was hardly as serious as the wrong limb being amputated, or being given a wrong fatal diagnosis, but strangely upsetting nonetheless. The relief of feeling whole again more than made up for any feelings of annoyance. In fact I rather thought it was very funny as the dentist tried to reassure me that the tooth he drilled was definitely in need of pruning!

And then I received my six-monthly wages from my publisher. What a bizarre job I have that I get paid twice a year and never have a clue how much it is likely to be, if anything at all. The simple truth is that most authors do not earn royalties from their books. They are paid an advance and in most cases the resultant sales are not sufficient to exceed the money already paid. I know this to be true from the trade mags, stats, and my friends within the industry, some of which have never earnt a royalty in their lives. How lucky and spoilt have I been then that for ten years my books have not only always earnt royalties but have in fact clawed back the advance paid at first statement. I am always amazed that after ten years of being in the shops my A to Z of Everything is as popular now as it was when I was first told it was “flying off the shelves” in 2001. Perhaps it is the hours I put in or just plain luck but whatever it is I am truly humbled by the response the book has generated. How fortunate am I to have a job where I am told I am doing OK by my fellow humans. It wasn’t always the case for me as an accountant. Of the thousands of letters, email and phone calls received I can’t remember a solitary negative one. Of course I am used to the stock letter that tells me how wonderful the book is but then goes on to point out an error on page 1192 but these have become an invaluable aid to ensure greater accuracy next time around. If I never sold another book I would still praise the Lord for my good fortune.

And then in the knowledge that I can eat for the next six months I decided to watch some TV for a change. This was definitely a treat as I have been working up to 20 hour days since November desperately trying to complete my latest work the A to Z of Popular Culture. I have given up my cycling, television, and I’m full of shame to say even some church commitments in order to put closure on seven years of research. The work is now complete and yet I have not yet sent it to a publisher as I am forever tweaking and editing as I tend to be the ultimate perfectionist and every time I read a section I feel I can improve it. Anyway, flicking through the channels I came across a show where two celebrities were in various stages of suing the press for defamation, one of which was Lembit Opik, the former MP for Montgomeryshire, who has single-handedly done for politics what Psycho did for shower curtains. It really was hilarious when his solicitor took his case to a barrister in the hope of representation and the barrister rather apologetically suggested that the comments in The Times might be considered ‘fair comment’.

Now Limp Bizkit is a very affable chap, definitely the type of man I’d have a pint with, if I were so disposed. He didn’t go to the extremes as some of his friends at fiddling his expenses although £2,500 for a plasma TV and the expectation of reimbursement for a £40 fine for council tax evasion was probably pushing things a little. Even taking Sian Lloyds caustic criticism of his womanising and excessive drinking with a pinch of salt as the rantings of an ex-lover, Mr Cheeky boy does write for the Daily Sport and does earn a living as a stand-up comedian. Noble occupations one might consider but, and it is a big but, if someone has serious aspirations to become the sort of person that one would trust to make policy that will effect up to 60 million people in this country and many more globally, then perhaps their private life should be tempered with a little more sprinkling of gravitas. I’m all for character and personality and truth and honesty and I feel Limpet has all these traits, albeit in very unequal and dysfunctional proportions.

Unfortunately, I missed the last few minutes because my Sky + box packed up and so I don’t know how his case turned out but I fear it was doomed. I think the good people of Wales merely said to themselves Ecce Homo – or maybe ‘ecky thump - but I doubt if anything they read in The Times served to influence greatly. I see people like Lampost at every Labour Party meeting I attend - Good-natured and good-intentioned but unfortunately lacking ability, drive, experience, nous, gravitas, judgement, intelligence, craft and wit. Isn’t it a great world where the likes of Tracy Emin can become an artist although she cannot paint? Or the likes of Lambpit Opec can become a politician although he cannot be taken seriously. I truly believe it is marvellous but let’s have some perspective here. Ask Nigel Havers if he had any preconceived ideas about the Liberal MP before he met him in the jungle. Nigel knows more than a little about British politics of course, and yet he found it truly frightening that this man was allowed out on his own and in charge of sharp instruments let alone representing thousands of people in parliament!

Incidentally, I’ve been given a date of 5th April for the Sky engineers to fix my box. Yet another £65 call-out on a box that has never worked properly since installed in September 2009, but 5th April!! I pay £58 per month for their service, or lack of it, and you can’t even get terrestrial TV anymore since they decided to drop it a couple of years ago. I remember being a child in the 1960s and mum calling out the TV repair man on our rented set. They would always come out same day or give you a new set, nowadays they keep you waiting a week and charge you into the bargain. As long as they don’t expect to charge me the full monthly rental next month for a service they are not supplying. So I’m going to miss the Cricket World Cup final on Saturday. I wonder if Lumpit would invite me around to watch it with him?

STOP PRESS - I was subsequently fortunate to find a local TV repair man, Dave Farr, who repaired my damaged box, only charged me £40 and enabled me to watch India play Sri Lanka this coming Saturday. There is a moral there somewhere but the bottom line is that SKY after sales service is non-existent and shame on them