There must be something about Christians that embraces masochism because my last month or two have been awful and yet I feel full of joy and not in the least despondent. Perhaps that is what we crave as Christians – tests of our faith (as long as they’re not too painful). Perhaps the joy stems from the fact that we are able to rationalise events and know that misfortunes in life can be one of three things i.e. the usual roll of the dice that exists when humans are given freewill and left to their own devices, an indication that something in our lives requires changing or simply that whatever happens in our lives we know it is for the best.
My misfortune began in April when the tachycardia I suffer from (diagnosed as Supraventricular tachycardia, although I have always called it palpitations) became rampant. I’m not sure if I have ever mentioned it before in a blog but it is a condition I suffered from for the first 27 years of my life and never bothered to tell anyone as it was my normality. The attacks became less and less frequent then suddenly disappeared and became a distant memory. Initially the attacks could last up to two or three hours but eventually I learned tricks to shorten the duration. If I were in the classroom I would simply raise my hand to be excused and then go to the toilet and lie down on the cold concrete floor in the cubicle, away from prying eyes. This would invariably shock it back to its normal loop and I always had this overwhelming feeling of relief and joy when it was over. It was annoying to say the least, particularly when playing sport. Although I won the annual school cross-country on a couple of occasions I also remember having an attack while running the county and walking over the line in 168th position. My reputation was one of winning or dropping out. And why didn’t I tell anyone – because kids do not like to be different. Actually I did tell one person, a school friend, Peter Cowley who told me once that he suffered from the same complaint so I felt safe to tell him of mine. I hope Peter is OK as I haven’t seen him for many years and he is one of few who hasn’t turned up to school reunions.
After almost 30 years I began to suffer them again a couple of years ago. The heart specialist, Mr Sneddon, offered me an ablation operation (where they stick a wire up through a vein in the groin and zap the piece of gristle on the heart) but I didn’t fancy it as I only had attacks two or three times a month. However in April I began cycling again after a winter completing my latest book and I began to have attacks on every ride and then for the first time in my life I had more than one attack on the same day (I had convinced myself this was impossible), in fact I had four attacks whilst out on my Sunday club ride with the Crawley Wheelers, the last after winning the sprint for the line to complete the ride. The next day I had six attacks during a three hour ride and then decided enough was enough so have made another appointment to see the specialist as I realise it is not getting any better and is definitely going to have to be sorted as I do miss my cycling.
I began a pop culture book in 2004 and it has finally (well almost) been completed and for the first time I do not yet have a publisher for it. My works are usually commissioned but I went out on a limb this time as I took it for granted that my publisher would take it on. Alas, I offered it to them last week and they have not taken up the option. It was a bit of a shock to say the least as I know it is my best work to-date and they seem to agree judging by their glowing report but perhaps it merely says something about the present climate. I must admit I probably didn’t help my cause by asking for a transfer to another publisher two years ago but that move was thwarted by them as they asked too much for my backlog. One might think this was a strange move by them but to be honest I have an excellent relationship with everyone at Little, Brown and do not think for one moment their decision is a reaction to my request. My motive was only to team up again with the No 1 man in publishing, the man who gave me my first break in 1998, Alan Samson, now at Orion. I have never spoken to any other publisher (it is now on record) although now I will have to next week.
The thing is I look at these setbacks for what they are. I am fit and healthy and off the bike I do not suffer from ill health (hardly ever get the super-fast heart when walking around) and I have actually enjoyed doing other things instead of having to spend all my free time in a constant state of breathlessness through running or cycling. As for the publisher’s decision - I have never had a lack of confidence in my ability to do what I do well so I just feel sorry that someone there has made the wrong decision as I know this book will do well – and if it was never to get published so what. I know so many excellent writers who have never had the opportunity to ever be published because of someone in their ivory tower did not want to take a chance on them. How lucky have I been.
It is always the times when things are not going supremely well that defines us as human beings and as Christians doubly so. I spent most of my life feeling very undeserving of God’s love (still do if I’m honest) as I had so many vices, and it wasn’t until I realised that God loves us all and my vices were not only hurting me but also hurting Him (this is the nature of sin) that I could rationalise things and try to change them.
So now I am looking forward to a period of soul searching (and publisher searching) and it excites me. I love new challenges and putting things on the line. It is my nature to always bounce back from any misfortune (not that I consider either my job or health issue a misfortune on the grand scale of things – far from it). It shows a certain arrogance of spirit for me to even mention such trivial things but if it helps a solitary person to understand themselves better then so be it.
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