In the Family Way

I’ve had a few dramatic weeks in my life; some happy some sad. This week was undoubtedly the most exciting and joyous I can ever remember.

What great event sparked off this emotional roller-coaster.

Well, on Wednesday I got paid. That’s always good I suppose, but as I only get paid twice a year, and I never know what that payment is likely to be, perhaps that heightens the sense of excitement. But nah, it wasn’t that.

On the same day a dear friend of mine moved into her new home after an horrific experience with landlords, estate agents, property developers and solicitors. I felt a great sense of relief for her but I’m afraid, glad as I was for her, it wasn’t that either.

They say good news comes in threes and anyone who has ever had a family dispute (is there anyone out there who hasn’t) will understand that the best news I received on Wednesday, and indeed for many a long day was via an email: “Found your website and I'm very proud of you. Please contact me. Your brother, Kevin”

Wow! Now Kevin is the second oldest and i haven't seen him for about 15 years. He is the coolest guy on earth. We went to the same school. While I was languishing in the chorus he was lead guitarist in the school orchestra. While I managed to represent the school at cricket, he represented Croydon. And yes, Kevin was even academically more successful than me. If I was Sherlock Holmes (I wish) he was undoubtedly Mycroft.
Kev was the first in our family to have his own business (Heat exchangers or something. I never did quite understand) and along with it the sports car and bungalow. He has been living in Ibiza for the past 18 years where he teaches English and Spanish and also runs a mobile karaoke. I know he shares my interest in cycling and quizzing too so I expect he’s bordering on Vuelta a España level and dying to get on Quiere ser millonario?

So you see Kevin was always someone I looked up to and admired. Not unlike my relationship with his namesake Kevin, the Lord Ashman, I suppose, although Lord Ashman does not have the same street credibility as my brother!

Bearing the testimony above in mind I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a slight hint of satisfaction in the words “I’m very proud of you”. But nah, that wasn’t the part of the email that touched my heart and made me feel so much joy. It was the “Please contact me”. That’s what did it.

Kev and I have never really fallen out majorly, although we have obviously had our disagreements. Almost all the problems that occur within our family result from sensitivity issues. Every one of us is extremely sensitive to the other’s perceived manner. I think it is just one of the by-products of a very traumatic upbringing where we were forced to depend on each other for succour and perhaps sometimes our own personal quest for a coping mechanism seemed to be at odds with family unity. All I know is I have the greatest admiration for all five of my siblings as I know much of what they suffered and yet all things being equal they have all managed to remain as my mother would have wanted; children of God, yes with all the human foibles born from original sin, but compassionate, determined, conscience-led and above all funny. Humour must never be underestimated here. It was our mutual love of The Goons, Monty Python, Tommy Cooper, Eric and Ernie etc that bound us quite often and saw us through the bad times.

Anyway, Kev’s email started the ball rolling and my first instinct was to contact my dear sister June to give her his email address. You see June and Kev had always had a brilliant relationship and great rapport. June’s husband John is a rock drummer and he and Kev played in the same band for some time and they shared musical tastes and, again harping back to the humour thing, June and Kev bounced off one another with witty one-liners and general levity. June and Kev fell out for the first and only time a few years ago, yes over one of those aforementioned sensitivity issues, but not to make light of a real tragedy I can tell you there was some insurmountable other stuff going on and I myself had a part to play in creating family strife.

I turned up at my sister’s doorstep with not a little trepidation. You see the truth is June and I have hardly seen each other since our mum’s funeral 16 years ago. Yes another sensitivity issue but one in which I feel I could have and should have handled with more love and understanding. I interfered where I was not wanted and was blind to the repercussions of my actions.
Anyhow, I prayed for guidance that I would say all the things I had in my heart with the real humility I felt but also I knew I must be aware that under the circumstances I would not be welcomed. My sister answered her door and I took one look at her face and immediately turned into a blubbering wreck. June being June was just as immediately overcome with compassion and gave me a nice warm hug and in that moment I felt a miracle had happened. You see it was I that should be hugging June with compassion. Without wanting to discuss my dear sister’s business in an open forum as she is a very private person, I shall just say that she has had great tragedy in her early life and has handled it with great fortitude so that only the discerning eye would see any hint of the cracked doll that she could have become.

It didn’t surprise me to know that June had been trying to contact Kev and in the past 24 hours they have indeed corresponded. You see, the love and respect was always there, in fact it is exactly this great love and respect, that was born out of fighting a war together that inevitably caused the rift in the first place.

The only other member of the family apart from my dad (I sent him Kev’s details via email) who I knew the whereabouts of was my immediate older brother Gary. Unfortunately as things go Gal and I had a very acrimonious last meeting while on holiday in June and had not spoken since (yes of course it was a sensitivity issue) so this one was a step too far at this point in time but I popped Kev’s email address in the letter box and although Gal is not on email at least he has a contact point for emergencies.

Later that day after visiting Gary I had a Bible study and the theme was Genesis 37 to 45, the story of Joseph. I felt this was eerily apt and heart-warming as I was feeling quite low. You see Joseph’s family faced great turmoil, their sensitivities were heightened by thoughts of favouritism and it almost cost Joseph his life at the hands of his brothers, but ultimately the story is one of triumph over disaster and family unity being restored.

Any of you out there who have similar stories please don’t despair. There is always hope.

It is not always going to be the case that family will automatically be best friends as those decisions are made by a more intricate mechanism than mere family ties, but please try and leave that door ever so slightly ajar so that hope may enter.

I’m still sad that I do not know the whereabouts and wellbeing of my oldest and youngest, Mike and Shaun but I now have hope that I one day might.

I also have hope now for a brighter future and just because my brother Kevin bothered to send an email. You see in God’s eyes these things are important.

Incidentally as a proof of my brother's brilliance. I happened to be reading my October issue of the Mensa Mag on Thursday night and one of the letters headed "lighten Up" quoted: A pure word has its letters in alphabetical order and may be ascending or descending. The longest pure words i have found are five letters i.e. first, gipsy etc. I wonder if any fellow members can do better.

Now Kev did not know of this but sent me an email yesterday asking me if i knew what the words almost, biopsy and chintz had in common. Howsabout that then - what a man.

I feel i should either resign, Kev should be admitted or we should change our name to Densa.